Turkey Math

A facebook friend recently posted a link to an article frying Roman Polanski, albeit in a thoughtful and moderated manner. This facebook friend normally posts entries on her evening meal, her evening drink, and what trouble her daughters are up to. She eschews the usual farmland, gangland and eggland games that seem to fill up my facebook screen with pigs, molls, and yolks. For this I am most grateful. She took the time out, however, from her usual light and amusing posts about her life, to help skewer an aging European director. 

 Now, I have no sympathy for the guy. Love his movies, admire the man, but he did a pretty bad thing and (even though it WAS the seventies) most everyone I know agrees he should suffer some sort of significant penalty for that. I have nine month old daughter, and the first change I noticed in myself is that I have no empathy for ANY person who harms a child in ANY way (even though it WAS the seventies). And when I saw the link on facebook from a friend who normally posts about daily life, who keeps the number of posts down to two or three a day, and who has REPEATEDLY warned me about posting ANYTHING remotely controversial (as it may follow you for the rest of your life), I thought – Wow, she's hot about this. THIS has people’s attention. This is a Major Topic. 

 And this is one of those spots when this blog can go in any direction. Punishment. Parenthood. Hollywood. Morality. However, THIS blog is going to discuss racism and mathematics. Because a great deal of ink pixels have been spent discussing this topic. It’s a worthy topic. 

But there was another story fighting for the same amount of space at the same time. Two South Pacific earthquakes in Sumatra and Samoa and the resulting tsunamis combined to kill approximately 1500 people. A quick check of the larger digital media over the last two days shows a roughly equitable level of reporting. A quick check of reader comments on a recent MSN report on both stories shows this score: Earthquake story: 14 comments Polanski story: 132 comments These comments are a poor metric for measure because the Polanski story was posted for 18 hours and the earthquake story for seven. 

I could try to mathematically calculate number of comments per hour, but I’m not gonna. I’m an old-fashioned fella. I’m going to take the print edition of the LA Times as my metric. So here are the number of times I saw each story on the front page of the LA Times over a week in late September, early October (warning: results may vary, I don’t have that good a memory). Polanski 3, Earthquake 1 Okay, let’s call it even (even though it isn’t - I’m just trying to make a point here, not let facts get in the way). Time for the math portion of blog. What we have here is the arrest of one white European director roughly equal to the deaths of 1500 poor brown people. We can write this mathematically: 1WED = 1500PBP or 1500PBP/1WED = 1

or even

1WED > 1PBP But that’s not the whole story, is it? There is a variable in the 1wed figure that needs to be added. This 1WED is considered by most to be a child molester Again, I’m not going to get into specifics about what exact charges were leveled or what all the circumstances were. Let’s just call him a child molester because 1) he molested a child, 2) everyone knows what a child molester is, and 3) I’m going to use CM as the variable, as in: 1WED * CM = 1500PBP

So now we’re getting somewhere. By dividing both sides by cm, you get

1WED = 1500PBP/CM.

So it would take 1500 acts of child molestation amongst poor brown people to attain LA Times headlines. Good to know. Next time, we can discuss the value of wartime dead journalists vs wartime dead soldiers, which seems to be at the following rate:

1WDJ = 15KIA.

Recently, a Pulitzer-prize winning LA Times journalist died and made the front page, so we can also see that

1PDJ = 15KIA, which then leads us to

1WDJ = 1PDJ

or

W = P (War = Pulitzer, factored down) Math can be so illuminating.

Turkey Lurkey: The Sky is Falling

Thursday night, an unfettered Duck, freed from his MBA responsibilities, met up with an old friend at a bar on Wilshire Blvd for a couple of couple of drinks and a catch-up session in the glare of the start of the NFL season. Because the Steelers were slugging it out with the Titans, the bar played host to a few more participants than normal. So it wasn’t completely surprising when a half-lidded well-lit patron of the liquored arts, having been forced to stand tight near our table on the balcony (one of us, not me, requires the occasional cigarette), overheard enough conversation about the sorry state of Venice Beach to feel comfortable enough to join in.

In short time, however, the conversation quickly turned to the events of September 11 (this being 9/11 eve), and the interloper very pointedly, minus a certain amount of focus, asked, “Do you believe it was planes that brought down the towers?” I immediately said yes, and then chose to stay out of this particular conversation, because, you know, this guy is a NUT. A drunken nut at that. My companion, however, having mercifully missed most of the inanities of overwrought conspiracy theories about the destruction of the twin towers, kept the conversation going.

Because the fellow was drunk, it took some time to work out of him his own thoughts. He kept insisting on asking us very specific questions about what we thought, what we believed, and what we knew about something called “controlled demolition.” He never really did say what was on his mind. He just said “You are familiar with a popular website called YouTube, correct?” in a weak attempt at sagacity that only happens late at a bar. “Look up controlled demolition.”

Eventually, he departed leaving us with bemused smiles on our faces. It took me until two days later, while ripping out the ivy from my back yard fence (I HATE IVY), to realize exactly how I know the US government did not launch a coordinated secret attack on its own people.

First off, conspiracy theories seem to pop up immediately following major world events such as Pearl Harbor (yep, the US government was involved in that one), the Kennedy assassination, the Oklahoma City bombing. Other government conspiracy theories include Marilyn Monroe, the moon landings, AIDS, Area 51, and fluoridation (no, not my teeth, too). So this is nothing new. This has been going on for centuries, dating back to the Illuminati and the Rosicrucians.

Well, I’m here to tell you: THE GOVERNMENT IS JUST NOT THAT CLEVER. Remember, these are the people who told you that duct tape would protect you against a nuclear attack. These are the people that sold weapons to the Taliban (Rambo helped –see Rambo 3). These are the people that made alcohol illegal. Then made it legal again.

In terms of conspiracy, this is the government that sent CIA agent E. Howard Hunt out on undercover missions, hiding his identity in a red wig and makeup so ridiculous that people said, “Here comes E. Howard Hunt in that stupid red wig.” This is the government that hid Watergate by TAPING EVERY WORD OF IT.

Ultimately, here’s my thought. The US government wasn’t capable of even faking the discovery of WMD’s in Iraq. How simple was that? What, they couldn’t just plant a couple of nukes in Saddam’s basement? Look. Look what we found. Every standard New York beat cop knows how to do that.

How hard do you think that would have been for a government capable of something as complex and wide-ranging as destroying the two towers, WTC 7, the Pentagon that would have involved at least hundreds of people in on the deal, plus hundreds of witnesses (think of all the maintenance workers at the WTC as say, “the men in black” or Hans Gruber came in to plant hundreds of pounds of explosive plus large numbers of detonators that would have to be silenced), and THEN have to keep that covered up for almost a decade? Nixon couldn’t even keep it up for one year, and that was over something as small and simple as a few dirty tricks.

Nope, our government just ain’t that bright.

And a shout out to my old military pal who said it shorter, quicker and better: “If you think 9/11 was a US government conspiracy, please let me know so I can delete your dumb ass from my friends list.” Hope you are doing well and your friend is recovering quickly.

More Turkeyheading

You’ve got to hand it to Joe Wilson. He’s obviously been reading this blog. When the time came to call out, he stood right up (okay, sat down) and called the President a liar. The President. Of the United States. To his face. In the U.S. Capitol. In front of Congress. On national television.

And I, for one, am all right with that. If you think the president is lying, call him on it. Call him kettle-ears while you’re at it. Someone should have done that to Bush eight years ago.

- "I’m a uniter, not a divider.” You lie!
- "Our budget will run a deficit that will be small and short-term." You Lie!
- "I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5-pound perch in my lake." You… Okay, you got me there.

So Bush was never called out. Wilson, however, would not let the moment go without one big “You lie!” to the President. I’m proud of him. It’s a perfect Turkeyhead teaching moment. Look what he accomplished.

1. He’s now a national figure, which may have been his aim. I’ll give him more points if it was.


2. Everyone’s talking about it, and, as a by-product, healthcare


3. Rob Miller, Democratic candidate for Wilson’s seat, just got $350k in donations


4. We’re now more European than ever


5. I, for one, am going to tune in to the next speech. Maybe we’ll get to see a pie in the face.

As far as I can see, there was only one problem. That part where Wilson shouted out? The President had just said, "the reforms I am proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally.”

When Senator Long called Mayor Walmsley a Turkeyhead all those years ago, that was a statement of opinion (even if Long would not agree with that assessment). Wilson’s claim is fairly easily fact-checked. The result? Both Time and Newsweek noted that the statement was, in fact, correct by comparing it to the bill itself.

So Wilson got it wrong.

What a Turkeyhead

Re-Heated Turkey

So long old forest, we’ll miss you.

But that doesn’t mean we have to weep. Forests were not put on earth to entertain us. They are not television shows, they don’t have writers or commercials or laughtracks. Yes, they can be mysterious, sweet, beautiful, dangerous, enchanting, deceptive, angry, rewarding, productive, hungry, indifferent… But it is nature, and nature doesn’t think of itself as man’s interactive mural.

So when fire had a blow-out party through about one-quarter of the Angeles National Forest, the L.A. Times published this story:

L.A.'s nature haven, reduced to wasteland
Residents mourn the loss of trails, campgrounds, picnic areas and lookout towers in Angeles National Forest. The Station fire has burned about a quarter
of the forest, closing it indefinitely.

The article then goes on to say how sad everyone is that such a pretty place burned. It even referred to the forest as “L.A.’s playground.” Really. L.A.’s playground. As though the forest grew just for our benefit.

Yes, I’ll miss hiking the trails (many will be closed for some time), but I won’t mourn. Instead, I will watch what promises to be the second greatest recovery act of the decade. And since it’s not really here for our entertainment, maybe we should take a moment to appreciate it.

Yeah, it sucks that it’s arson. But frankly, without human interference, this place would have burned once or twice in the last fifty years. The fire is probably just overdue.

So let’s look at some of the positives.

• Not everything burned. Some of my favorite spots made it. Echo Mountain, my first Angeles hike, survived. So did Henninger Flats, Eaton Canyon, and Chantry Flat.
  



• Both observatories made it. Yeah, I know it would have been bad if Mt. Wilson had gone down, but I would have missed Stony Ridge more. The lesser known and more hidden observatory is far cooler and more personal. Check out the website - http://stony-ridge.org/

• The White City Resort, the Mt. Lowe Railway, and Ye Alpine Tavern were destroyed by fire (and flood and winds and more fire) over a period of 40 years beginning at the turn of the century (1900, people). (Check the wikipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Lowe_Railway) For a period of time, this was one of Los Angeles’s best tourist attractions. Now it’s a spectacular hike to its ruins. Imagine if fire had not destroyed it. There’d be a 7-11 and a McDonald’s there now. So fire has it’s good side.
  



• Wait ‘til you see how it comes back. I’ve seen Mt. St. Helen’s and Yellowstone after devastation there. The return of growth is as amazing as the impact of disaster.
  



• You get to tell your grandkids you were there. It’s a defining moment.
  It had to happen eventually, and now that it has, it will be hard to burn it again for awhile. Think of it as housecleaning.
  



• What’s the big deal about green, anyway? Time to appreciate black and brown for awhile.
  



• Now you have a chance to chip in. Some of these trails are going to need rebuilding. Twenty years from now, when you take your grandkids hiking, you can tell them you helped build the trail.

So don’t be blue. Get up, get out, and make an impact yourself. I’ll be thinking about you while I knock down a beer watching the Dodger on TV from my personally air-conditioned couch.

The Purpose of Turkeyhead

Last week Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank had what you’d call a real turkey head moment. And I mean that in the most positive way.

For those of you who recall, and for those of you who don’t read the subheading, I have called upon the leaders of our country to start being blunt and honest about the idiocy that’s swirling through the country. When Louisiana senator Huey Long called New Orleans Mayor T. Semmes Walmsley a Turkey Head and Walmsley traveled all the way to Washington D.C. to punch Long out (he never got the chance – Long hid from Walmsley an entire week), that’s what I extolled as proper political behavior. None of this mealy-mouth side-speak you hear from politicians today.

Imagine…

The Bush/Kerry debate
BUSH: That's what liberals do. They create government-sponsored health care. Maybe you think that makes sense. I don't.
KERRY: You’re such an idiot.

The Bush/Gore debate
BUSH: I’m absolutely opposed to a national health care plan. I don’t want the federal government making decisions for consumers or for providers.
GORE: Oh my God, you’re such an idiot.

The Clinton/Bush(I)/Perot debate
BUSH(I): Fuel efficiency standards at 40 to 45 miles a gallon will throw many auto workers out of work.
CLINTON: Your son is such an idiot.
PEROT: No doubt.
JIM LEHRER: Seriously.

See how it works? Not only do you feel better, but had either Kerry or Gore used that technique, they would have been elected president (oh, wait – Gore was).

And now they’re starting to get it. Barney Frank laid a beatdown on one of the town hall nuts who had just called a currently proposed health-care policy a “Nazi policy.” That would pretty much make Obama Hitler, which may be a tad extreme (not like calling someone a Turkey Head). To which Frank got off this one-two punch:

“On what planet do you spend most of your time?”

And

“Ma’am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table. I have no interest in doing it.”

I’m thinking of renaming this blog “Dining Room Table Head.”

The Turkey Initiative

I propose two voter initiatives.

The first will solve the California budget crisis once and for all. It’s called the San Francisco Pay It initiative, and it calls for every resident of San Francisco to pay $10,000 to the state every year. We’re only including the residents of the city, not the county. As of 2008, the population was 808,976. That would mean over $ 8 billion dollars a year into the state black hole coffers. We’re including everyone, children, babies, senior citizens.

It will work for 6 reasons

1. They can afford it. If you live in San Francisco, where the AVERAGE house sells for $656,700, then you can damn well afford it.
2. Everyone will vote for it except for San Frannians. Which is fine, because there are a lot more of us then there are of them.
3. Nobody likes San Frannians. Not even themselves. They move away and complain bitterly about how whatever town they’re living in is not San Francisco, but they DON’T MOVE BACK.
4. If they can afford $6.3 billion for a bridge (A BRIDGE, goddammit! Not a space shuttle, not an atom collider, not a regime change), they can afford this.
5. They are complete snots for charging us money to get IN to their damn city, but not to get out via the Golden Gate.
6. Barry Bonds.

This will be great. There are tons of great initiatives JUST LIKE THIS ONE that get on the ballot because lots of morons concerned citizens will believe anything take the time to understand what’s going on in the state of California and then form mobs citizen activist groups to yell and scream at town halls debate before irrationally rationally signing petitions.

And THEN the state supreme court strikes the whole initiative down (after a cost of hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars) just because the find the thing just a little unconstitutional. Don’t they understand that when people VOTE for something, we all HAVE to do it no matter how stupid or irrational it is? This is a DEMOCRACY for crying out loud. If we all get together and vote to nuke Las Vegas for fireworks fun, then OUR WILL BE DONE. It's the American Way.

Oh, and that second voter initiative? NO MORE VOTER INITIATIVES!

Dr. Turkey is IN

Okay, so the government can’t afford healthcare. Got it. We hear you loud and clear. We were also trying to hear that other guy over there, the one with H1N2 (the sequel), but you were louder, so yours is the only voice we’re going to listen to. No government healthcare. Done.

What now? What’s the plan? You MUST have something in mind. Please let us in on it. Enlighten us. The way we see it, there are just a handful of options available. Check off one of the boxes below and send it, along with a check for $69.95, to:
Eugene V. Debs III
That Sketchy Coffee and Smoke Shop
1955 Soho, NY

Option one: Change nothing and let your company keep paying for group insurance. THAT’s working, right? Of course, you’ve got to convince your company to keep doing it. Tell them it’s good business, that they save money because you are healthy. Convince them that you heard on NPR that employee illness costs business $1.3 fabrillion dollars a year, even though when YOU get sick, the work still gets done, either by Carol Cubemate or by you when you get back. Of course, you might get permanently sick, so they get Bradley Headphones at half your salary to replace you, and you can’t collect disability because you made such a big stink about government spending, remember?

Option two: YOU pay the doctor bills. Got the flu? $200 visit to Old Doc Hackencoff. Pain in the leg? $800 X-ray. Pain in the head? $1600 MRI. Pain in the heart? $16,000 funeral service.



Option three: Join your own health group. Costco Health and Chicken Wing package. Put your health in the hands of people who make a profit at it, trying to make MONEY out of this. They calculate just how much you’re going to cost them in healthcare, and charge you just a little bit more. They have a room full of math nerds calculating EXACTLY when you are going to get sick, going to break a leg, and they stamp an expiration date on you. You wind up paying $1195.39 a year more than they would have spent on their own, but hey, you have insurance.

Option four: Buy a plastic bubble. Live in it. Never get sick. Worked for John Travolta.







Option five: Expire

The Bad News Turkeys

This is my favorite time of year. (No, not the pre-Labor Day sale at Macy’s.) It’s Little League World Series time! And God bless ESPN for not only showing the series, but also the regionals leading up to the series. For my money, this is the best sporting event of the year.

First, you got a bunch of kids that haven’t quite learned the swagger, the noxious attitudes of adult athletes. It’ll come later, but for now, you’re pretty sure none of these kids are going to show up in a NYC court with a lawyer, a bullet in the leg, a gram of cocaine in the pocket and a busted hooker in the car. Sure, they’ve had their controversies, some cheating in the past, even a doping scandal, but you get the feeling it wasn’t so much the kids who were cheating, it was their parents or coaches or someone with a grown-up agenda.

Second, there’s no money involved. Oh yeah, I know ESPN is paying something for this, and so are the commercials, but seriously, watch a game. Every kid wants to be a superstar and doesn’t have one thought about how much his agent can screw the owners of the team. Also, there are no billboards, rolling signs, or anything trying to sell Pepsi, Farmer John Hot Dogs, or Hankook Tires. And tickets are free. FREE! As in, no cost to you. Zero. Okay, hot dogs are a dollar. So is a soda. You could buy over 50 hot dogs for what you pay for a pair of Red Sox cheap seats.

Third, there is no better on-field drama. That’s because these kids are fully involved. Sometimes I see that on the college level, but it’s definitely here. There’s a complete joy winning and a total wretchedness in losing. Yes, there’s crying in baseball, and it’s here.

Fourth, it’s a sweet and honest introduction to other cultures and manners. I love how the Taiwanese players bow to the umpires when they approach the plate. I remember when Japan won in 2001, the team ran out to centerfield to bow to the statue of Howard Lamade (he’s the guy they named the stadium after), after being erroneously told it was a baseball god (kinda mean and goofy, but somehow still a perfect moment). I remember being in grammar school and reading the story of the perfect game thrown by the star pitcher of the underdog 1957 Monterrey team from Mexico to win the championship. It’s still the only perfect game in series history.

Fifth, at some point during the series, some kid is going to make an amazing play. And we’re not just talking homerun here. We’re talking a rob-the-jack-at-the-wall kind of play, or a Brooks Robinson mad-wicked throw from foul territory at least one time-zone past third base to nail Bucky Speedrobin at first kind of play, or a Willie Mays over-the-shoulder leap-n-tumble kind of a play. The kind that makes you feel... immortal. The kind, if you’ve seen the original Bad News Bears, that Lupus makes, one that doesn’t win the game or is even all that athletic, but it’s the key to the film because winning isn’t really why we’re out there, it’s just being in the game that matters. Or as Coach Buttermaker said, “Listen, Lupus, you didn't come into this life just to sit around on a dugout bench, did ya? Now get your ass out there and do the best you can.”

And finally, it’s baseball. How can you go wrong?

Turkey on Fire

The public is outraged. Congress is outraged. Fox News is apoplectic. Money is being wasted. They’re spending stimulus money on STOOPID things. The LA Times found unnecessary million-plus dollar project to repair a guardrail around a deserted man-made lake in the panhandle of Oklahoma that no one visits. $800k for a backup runway in a little airport in Pennsylvania where the main runway rarely gets used. Bill O’Reilly just burst a vein!

The Duck responds, yep, that’ll happen. When you’re putting out the fire on your roof, you really don’t worry about the few drops that hit your driveway.

(And in OK, they figured it out. Somebody said that’s a bad spend of money and they stopped it. )

Congress, the media, and the rest of the country, are also a little perturbed that we’re NOT FIXING THE WHOLE SYSTEM. They want a complete overhaul. It’s broken and they want it FIXED, NOW!!!.

The Duck responds, haven’t you noticed that the HOUSE IS ON FIRE? Maybe you might want to put it out before you start building the next one. Sure, it’s a good idea to better fireproof the house, but I don’t think you want to start wheeling in fire-retardant carpet while the flames are still lapping at the walls.

Some are saying don’t spend all this money, it’s not going to help and you’ll just make it worse.

The Duck responds, worse? People, the house is aflame. You don’t want me to turn the hose on it because you’re worried about flooding the basement? Yeah, maybe it won’t work, but I bet you stand outside your house with the hose on anyway.

Some are saying by borrowing money from the Chinese, we’re giving them too much power over the world economy.

The Duck responds: Chinese firemen are coming to save your house. Yeah, they might want the firefighting gig, with a fire station. Are you going to say no, you don’t really need a house?

Some are saying there’s not nearly enough money to make a difference.

The Duck responds: Nope, probably not. But I bet if your house was on fire, you wouldn’t stop trying to put it out just because the hose seemed kind of small.

So when I told all this to a warehouse employee in LA, when I said, “The house is on fire, and all this money is to try to put it out,” he said maybe the most telling thing I’ve heard in a long time.

He said, “Let it burn.”

They are THAT angry.

FDR was a Turkey

We must eliminate socialism in America at ALL COSTS. It is the great evil of our time. It is WORSE than child molesting. WORSE than matricide. WORSE than Waterworld.

Do it now. Get the government out of our lives and let the CEO’s run everything.

Public schools out!
Time Warner Educational Units in! (just $29,999 a year!)

Public sanitation out!
Toyota Trash Removal in! (just $49.50 a pickup!)

Government highway maintenance out!
Wal-Mart Fix-Your-Own Pothole Goop in! (just $19.99 a tube!)

Federal and Statewide park systems out!
Bill Gates’ Backyard Tour in! (just $129.99 a ticket!)

Vietnam War Memorial out!
Six Flags Roller Coaster Tribute of Dead Soldiers on Parade in! (ride included with price of admission, $129.99 for family of four!)

Medical and Medicare out!
RJ Reynolds All-Purpose Health Potion in! (just $69.99 a bottle!)

Public beaches out!
Pottery Barn Bath Vat in! (just $1899.99 purchase and installation!)

US military protection out!
Walt Disney Black Ops and Green Berets in! (protection for your home starts at just $899 a year!)

NASA out!
Has-Bro Poppet Rockets in! (just $689,000 a flight!)

Fire Departments out!
Arthur Murray’s Stop Drop and Roll lessons in! (just $79 a lesson, first one free!!!)

OSHA out!
Johnson and Johnson’s Do-It-Yourself Finger Re-Attacher in! (just $299.99 a kit! *batteries not included*)

It’s worth it! Pay NO TAXES, and for just $69,999.99 a year (*batteries not included*), you can have the SAME THINGS!

Turkey Hall Town Crier

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! AAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I Don’t Want Any Health Care!!!!!!

Turkey on the Fence

I used to be against a border fence across the Mexican American border. Really, I was. Most of the immigrant/illegal immigrant struggle was racism, plain and simple. Anybody tell you anything different is either wrong or lying.

Taking our jobs? Nuts. They created jobs. Ten illegals working in a factory meant one foreman and one management position for fine upstanding US citizens. You take those illegals out of the factory and you think a bunch of Americans are going to take a minimum wage job sewing up stuffed Hilary Duff dolls for children or molding plastic cases for your iPods? No, they’re going to want a $60 an hour union contract, whereby the factory shuts down and moves to Taiwan. If you don’t let it move, it will just shut down anyway, because no one is going to pay $169.95 for a Hillary Duff doll.

Because they don’t speak English? Really? Give you a grammar test later today. If you pass, you get to stay.

Because they don’t pay taxes? What do you think that thing is at the end of a purchase, that little extra percent you have to pay, that sales… something? What’s that? Some kind of tax, as I recall. Oh, you mean INCOME TAX. You want to spend tens of billions of dollars to send them back because they don’t pay income tax. Wouldn’t it just be easier and more financially lucrative to legalize them all and COLLECT income tax? Remember, taxes come out of your paycheck BEFORE you cash it.

They use up our resources? Hardly. You think these folks want to come in under the spotlight where they can be found out and deported?

Dangerous? I once saw a letter to the editor questioning why the LA Times had not reported the immigration status some criminal that had recently been caught. I guess the idea here is that immigrants are coming over in droves to commit criminal acts. Maybe some of these guys are criminals. But I bet the VAST MAJORITY of crimes in the US are committed by US CITIZENS. And you worry about a liquor store hold-up when illegal acts by the CEO of AIG has caused YOUR savings, YOUR house value, YOUR 401k to dwindle to the size of bag of rotten walnuts. How come people aren’t writing to check out HIS immigration status? Is it because it’s OKAY to get robbed by Americans?

But now, things have changed. Immigrants are leaving, forced out by tighter immigration laws, green card sweeps, and – most of all – lack of jobs. That doll factory closed, after all. There’s a lot of work at the maquiladoras along the Mexican-American border, and even more at Ugly Bobby’s Cocaine and Rice distribution plant. And it’s easy to get back. Have you seen the traffic heading south of the border? It’s a freeway with no stop signs.

The real problem is that US Citizens will be soon following them. Lost your job at GM? There are openings at Volkswagon, Nissan, and Subaru factories in Mexico. They might need someone who can speak English and eat pizza. Same for the banks, hotels, and, yes, doll factories. That same doll factory shuttered up in Little Rock, Arkansas has now reopened in Poco Roca, Baja, and they could use an experienced foreman. So go, you dirty dryback. Only we’re going to build that fence, bigger than ever, just to keep you IN. You’ll have to pay a coyote just to smuggle you over.

But that’s okay. The Canadians will be filtering down pretty soon.

Back from the Wilderness Turkey

The Mad Duck returns after a near two-year hiatus. Yes, I know you all missed it (both of you), but now the Duck has more to say and you damn well better listen, for like Joseph Campbell’s “hero with a thousand faces,” I have been walking the wilderness, aka Pepperdine Graziadio School of Business Management.

For those of you unfamiliar with said milli-faceted hero, here’s the quote from the book:

A hero ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons on his fellow man.

And, boy, do I have boons for you.

Boon 1: I took two classes in Economics, and the key thing I learned was that WE ARE ALL DOOMED. Seriously. You think this is bottom? This is just the bottom of a sinking boat, and the crew is down there at the hull digging a hole looking for buried treasure. The solution to the US economic problem is to spend money. Problem is, WE DON’T HAVE ANY. We’re in debt up to our eyeballs. Brother, can you spare a trillion dimes?

Boon 2: I took two classes in Law, and the key thing I learned was that WE ARE ALL DOOMED. The rule of law has been eroding for several decades. CEO Peter Pocketliner has been draining his company the equivalent of the GDP of a medium European nation, thereby reducing your 401k by another eight years worth of retirement money, so he gets three trials with two acquittals and a hung jury, but by God we’re going to hang that Gary Glassylook, the homeless sucker who did a quarter ounce of crack cocaine in his $8 a night room at the Guano Arms in downtown Los Angeles because he’s so much of a threat to our safety he might actually attempt to USE A PUBLIC RESTROOM WHILE WE’RE IN IT!!!! Meanwhile, this Pocketliner guy resigns from AIG and takes a job running Visa because all he needs now is a REALLY BIG credit card.

Boon 3: I took two classes in international law and international marketing, and the key thing I learned was that WE ARE ALL DOOMED. China’s coming. And India. And Russia. And Brazil. But mostly, China. Did you see the opening ceremonies at the Olympics? What was it, three or four hundred thousand performers in perfect unison all demanding that we GIVE UP NOW? These people are patient – they don’t have to run for re-election every four minutes. They’ve got a plan, and they’ve got their eye on the corn belt. These folks are hungry.

Boon 4: I’ve taken classes in finance and accounting, and the key thing I learned was that WE ARE ALL DOOMED. None of the students in either class remembered how to complete simple mathematic equations, so we faked it.

Bet they know math in China.

Video Turkey

From the LA Times Online:

• Bush to have colonoscopy | Video

Ratings through the roof.

Turkey Crossing

On a recent trip to Colorado, I entered a debate with a local regarding immigration reform. He was happy the recent bill had failed because it would grant amnesty to current illegals residing in the U.S. They were using up our resources. They were taking our jobs. We have laws and they need to be obeyed.

I could have started with: not passing the bill is, in effect, the equivalent of amnesty as it maintains the status quo. I could have mentioned that any new law passed would be as unenforceable as the current laws. I could have mentioned that I don’t want to pay $25 for a hamburger.

But I started with this: If the obeying the law is so important, why don’t we start with obeying the speed limit?

He asked if I was seriously comparing the speed limit to immigration.

Yep. We would reduce our dependence on foreign oil. We could get out of Iraq. We could get out of the Middle East, for that matter. We would have less pollution. We could reduce global warming. And there would be more than 12,000 fewer speeding-related deaths per year.

[Note – that’s PER YEAR! That’s more than 3 times the number of soldiers lost in Iraq and Afghanistan since the war started! That’s 120,000 dead in the last decade – the numbers stay pretty much the same every year. Can you imagine if we had an event that killed 130,000 Americans? We’d have to declare war on Detroit!]

His response? Illegal immigrants are responsible for one-third the road fatalities in Colorado.

Well, how can you dispute that? I mean, the numbers appeared to have come out of his ass. My number for the 12k a year death toll for speeding came from the government; I had looked it up http://www-nrd.nhtsa.dot.gov/pdf/nrd-30/NCSA/Rpts/2005/809_839/pages/809-839_Final.pdf. As you can see per table 1, that number is understated for the 10-year period listed. No year had fewer than 12,500 speed-related fatalities.

But then, I thought, maybe he’s right. Maybe I better look it up. It would explain an awful lot, such as the large animosity we third and fourth-generationers have against these firsters. They’re cleverly sneaking over the border, cautiously making their way into the workforce, quietly acquiring living space, and then – when all is calm – they jump in their cars and fling themselves willy-nilly all over the highways and into the legally-driven cars of honest, decent Americans. Those bastards.

So when I got home, I checked it out. Here are some quotes and links:

“This young family was utterly destroyed by illegal alien crime; Sean, 24 and his 5-month-old daughter were killed by an illegal in a head-on crash that left Natalie with permanent brain damage. Neither young pregnant women nor elderly men are saved from this scourge. FSM Editors demand of Congress: what will it take for you to end this unspeakable carnage?”

http://www.familysecuritymatters.org/homeland.php?id=952468

“It is worth repeating that NOBODY IS TRACKING the illegal alien component of the traffic accident carnage.”
http://www.usillegalaliens.com/impacts_of_illegal_immigration_traffic_accidents.html

“Harvest of death on the Eastern Shore”
http://content.hamptonroads.com/story.cfm?story=93408&ran=120909&tref=po

“INVASION USA

How open borders turnAmericans into roadkill

Illegals drive up highway deaths as U.S. hitsnew highs for unlicensed, uninsured motorists”

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=51667

So, clearly, I was wrong. Illegal aliens are trying to get us. Run now. Run for your lives.

Sneak into Canada.

Important Gaza Strip Information for Turkeys

From the LA Times

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip -- Hamas fighters [Paris Hilton] overran two of the rival Fatah movement's most important security command centers [Paris Hilton] in the Gaza Strip today, and witnesses said the victors dragged vanquished gunmen into the street and shot [Paris Hilton] them to death execution-style.

Hamas also seized control of Rafah [PARIS HILTON] in the south, Gaza's third-largest city, according to [Paris Hilton] witnesses and security officials. It was the second main Gaza city [Paris Hilton] to fall to the militants, who captured nearby Khan [Paris Hilton] Younis on Wednesday, and gave Hamas control of the porous border with Egypt, which has been the source of arms smuggling.
President Mahmoud Abbas plans to declare a state of [Paris Hilton] emergency and dismantle the Hamas-Fatah [Paris Hilton] coalition government, said aides who spoke on condition of [Paris Hilton] anonymity because they were not authorized to brief [Paris Hilton] reporters on the issue.

Abbas also intends to call for the deployment of [Paris Hilton] a multinational force in Gaza and plans to appoint [Paris Hilton] [Paris Hilton] an independent politician to replace Ismail Haniyeh of Hamas as prime minister, the aides said.

Hamas captured the Preventive [Paris Hilton] Security headquarters and the intelligence services building in Gaza City, major [Paris Hilton] advances in the Islamic group's attempts to take over Gaza. Hamas also demanded that [Paris Hilton] Fatah surrender its last big security installation in the city.

[Paris Hilton] After the rout at the security headquarters [Paris Hilton], some of the Hamas fighters knelt outside [Paris Hilton], touching their foreheads to [Paris Hilton] the ground in prayer. Others led Fatah gunmen out of the building, some [Paris Hilton] shirtless or in their underwear, holding their arms in the air. Several of the Fatah men flinched as the crack of gunfire split the air [Paris Hilton].

A witness, [Paris Hilton] who identified himself only as [Paris Hilton] Amjad, said [Paris Hilton] men were killed as their [Paris Hilton] wives and [Paris Hilton] children watched.

"They are executing them one by one," [Paris Hilton] Amjad, who lives in a [Paris Hilton] building overlooking the [Paris Hilton] Preventive [Paris Hilton] Security [Paris Hilton] complex, said by [Paris Paris Hilton Hilton] telephone. "They are carrying [P a r I s H I l t o n] one of them on their [Notlih Sirap] shoulders, putting him on [Lost Hairpin] a sand dune, turning him around and shooting [Paris Hilton]."

[Paris Hilton] [Paris Hilton] [Paris Hilton] The killers ignored [Paris Hilton] [Paris Hilton] appeals from residents to spare the men's lives, said Amjad, who declined to give his full name, fearing [Paris Hilton] reprisal.

[PARIS HILTON] [PARIS HILTON] Preventive [Paris Hilton] Security [Paris Hilton] [Paris Hilton] is [Paris Hilton] [Paris Hilton] [Paris Hilton] an especially [Paris Hilton] despised target [Paris Hilton] of Hamas because [Paris Hilton] [Paris Hilton] the agency carried [Ppaarriiss Hhiillttoonn] out [Rome Holiday Inn] bloody [Bareass Helltown] crackdowns [pARIS hILTON] against the [Paris Hilton] Islamic group in the 19[Paris Hilton] 90s.

Fatah officials said Hamas shot and killed seven of its fighters outside the Preventive Security building. A doctor at Shifa Hospital said he examined two bodies that had been shot in the head at close range. The officials and the doctor spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of reprisals.



[Paris Hilton]

All You Turkeyheads

It's the most important night of the year. It's the most important night in the history of the country. I've been up all night following the results.

Britney Spears is available.

Voting Turkey

Bad news in California. We have to choose between an un-elected, ham-acting, over-developed, boob-groping RINO and a bowl of unflavored oatmeal. Who to vote for? Can we survive for four years until Mayor Charisma can come to rescue us?

So I'm going to do the only thing that makes sense. I'm going to vote for candidate of the least obnoxious bumper-sticker drivers. Everywhere I go, I'm going to take notice of the bumper stickers of all the idiot drivers. The ones who cut me off, drive too fast, drive too slow, use their cell phones in the car.

On the day of the election, I will count up all the infractions and whoever has the fewest gets my vote.

This is much more effective than you realize. Since California is going to elect a turkeyhead either way, this plan gives us the opportunity to clean up our streets of poor drivers. All the people who read this blog (both of you) will now have to worry that I'll vote for their candidate's opponent should I catch you parking poorly or failing to merge properly. You will also have the opportunity to put the same plan into place.

We could start a state-wide, even nation-wide era of quality driving. Traffic will move more swiftly, less gas would be wasted, prices would go down, pollution would decline, children would be healthier, forests would prosper, and peace would break out in the Middle East.

Most importantly, it would knock 10-15 minutes off my commute.

Letters to Congressman Turkey part 2

Dear Congressman Turkey,

I would like to voice my concern over the recent sexual scandal involving President Clinton Congressman Foley. I am sick and tired of the disgusting lechery hypocrisy of members of the Democratic Republican Party. I can’t understand why our elected officials can’t keep their hands of their interns pages. Thank God for a vigilant conservative liberal media or left-wing right-wing nuts would continue with their plans to erode the morals of society force their beliefs down our throat. This kind of thing has got to stop stop.

A Concerned Republican Democrat

Letters to Congressman Turkey part 1

Dear Congressman Turkey:

With regards to the recent headline from the LA Times Online - Bush Unwilling to Live With a Nuclear North Korea - sometimes the trade-off can be worth it.

A Concerned Duck

Even More Congressional Turkey

In my last blog, I made a joke about how congress is passing a law to make the legal age for consensual sex Page Age. Turns out, that's not a joke. It's already true. The legal age for consensual sex in Washington DC is 16. Coincidentally, the minimum Page Age is 16.

Turns out Congressman Foley hasn't really broken any laws. It's perfectly legal to hit on high-school juniors, send hard-core nasty messages that would make Milfomaniac blush, and possibly invite one for a night of gymnastic debauchery the likes of which hasn't been seen since Dionysus met monkeys.

Then I realized -- this is part of the government plan. Everything makes sense, now.

The reason for invading Iraq - lots of brown young boys.
Rendition - squirreling them away.
Legalized torture - sure is fun.
Oil policy - lads require lubricants

I mean, that's how we got Condi Rice.

More Congressional Turkey

This just in: The Republican congress has just passed a law reducing the legal age for consensual sex to Page Age.

Other recent bills:
The Supreme Court shall make no rulings affecting stuff.
No Habeus Corpus for brown people.
War on Liberals
Robin Williams will stop making sappy movies
Katrina was good
No one - not immigrants, not outsourcing, not our kids - are allowed to do our most unpleasant jobs.
More tax-breaks for the rich
No more humor
Gays aren't people
Mark Foley was a Democrat
Gravity is a theory
Monkeys are our slaves
Greed, for lack of a better word, is good
Benito Mussolini was a Democrat
Time to pave our national parks
Leonard Part 6 was a good movie
You don't need to see his identification. These aren't the droids you're looking for.
I didn't do it
Richard Nixon was a Democrat

Congressional Turkey

I’m going to give some advice to the Republicans.

Shut.
Up.

Seriously. This is good advice. You can’t win this. There is NO WAY OUT. You are going to have to fall completely on this grenade.

Hastert? Resign now. Dems are begging for him to stay. Every moment he hangs in there is another moment we’re all reminded Republicans are more concerned about their party than protecting children from pedophiles.

Lay off the Webster. I mean the dictionary. Arguing the difference between a pedophile, molester, and pervert will not help. Most people don’t care about the difference, and the ones that do still don’t like pervs. Well, maybe a couple. For the general public, the man’s a CHILD MOLESTER.

Quit the Florida election. It does not matter that you got Joe Negron to run in Foley’s place and that he gets Foley’s votes. Foley’s name is still on the ballot. Can you imagine being a hardcore Republican, going into the booth, and having to mark an X next to child molester’s name to support your party? Don’t ask your voters to do that. Don’t ask Negron to connect himself to a child molester. Just give up and support Tim Mahoney.

Don’t blame the dems for taking political advantage. You tell me what’s worse – making political capital when your opponent self-destructs or child molesting. The more you point your fingers at the Dems, the more it’s going to look like you support molesting children.

Stop using the defense that you knew only about the “overly friendly” emails and not the graphic IMs. That’s not cutting it with anyone. Just lie. Either say you punched him in the face six months ago or say you never knew. Give your base SOMETHING to cling to, no matter how pathetic. Better than belonging to the FRIENDS OF THE CHILD MOLESTER club.

Basically, Republicans, you’re being bent over like a NAMBLA member. Take it like a man. Or a page.

Snidely Turkey

Over the last few days, the Senate has met over a hotly contested bill and today they passed the measure that identifies us as…

The Bad Guys.

That’s right. We’re the bad guys. We’re foreigners who show up in dark clothes, wickedly giggling, with hoses and wires and no regard for humanity. Remember that guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark? That’s us.

What we’ve done is suspend habeas corpus for the imprisonment of foreigners. That means we can imprison people without any legal justification.

Here’s the deal. Picture yourself living in a different country. It doesn’t have to be Iraq or Afghanistan. Say, Italy. Your name is Bob and you moved there fifteen years ago because you got a little inheritance from your Aunt Winona and you decided to buy a small hotel there after you vacationed and fell in love with the place. It was easier to become a citizen (your Mom’s side of the family has relatives there), so you did. Not that you hate the U.S., but this is your place.

You build up a nice little clientele, and expand with a restaurant. You travel to other countries to buy items for your business. One day, some Turkish merchant ups the price on floor furnishings, and you decide to switch to a competitor. He doesn’t take it well and reports this to his brother, the governor of a small Afghan province. He promptly makes a call to Colonel Guano of the US Army, and then there’s a knock on your door.

You there – Bob. Yes, you. I’m taking you into prison. What? No reason. Just follow me. Got your birth certificate proving you’re a U.S. citizen? No? You’re screwed.

Think it won’t happen? On the same day the Senate passed the bill, this report appeared in the LA Times.

Federal Police Chief Apologizes to Deportee
From Times Wire Reports
September 29, 2006

The head of Canada's federal police force offered an unprecedented public apology to a man who was deported by U.S. agents to Syria after the Mounties mistakenly labeled him an Islamic extremist.

Royal Canadian Mounted Police Commissioner Giuliano Zaccardelli admitted that his force had mishandled the case of Maher Arar, whom he described as an innocent man swept up in a search for terrorism suspects in the wake of the Sept. 11 attacks.

Arar, a 36-year-old Ottawa software engineer, says he was repeatedly tortured during the year he spent in Syrian jails.

Sorry guy. Hope you didn’t need your testicles for anything.

All You Other Turkeys

God, I hate them.

We’re so much better than they are. We’re normal and they’re weird. We’re right and they’re wrong. We’re decent and they’re disgusting. We smell normal and they smell sour.

Don’t you hate them? Always getting in your way. Always standing around and stuff. Paying with exact change when you’re in a hurry. In the bathroom too long. What are they doing in there? Forgetting what they want to order. How can you go into a McDonald’s and not know what to ORDER?

At least we have the right religion. Well, most of us. Except for a few strange people in Hollywood. And Utah. And parts of upstate New York.

Wait a minute… Those people are them, too, aren’t they? Get them out of here. Tell them to go back where they belong. They don’t belong with US. We don’t want their kind around.

And those people with the wrong attitude about the war. What’s the matter with these people anyway? Don’t they know what’s at stake? They should just find another country and move there.

And those people who don’t think like us. Those people who think they’re smarter than us. Always walking around thinking they’re better. They’re ruining everything.

Dumb people, too! Why can’t they get their act together? They are SCREWING up this country!

Bad drivers. They have to go, too. Seriously. They make me want to SCREAM.

Foreigners. ALL of them. Don’t even send them back. Just put them on a plane to Manitoba.

Finally, when all those other people are gone, we can have some peace. Except you. You have to go, too. EVERYBODY WHO ISN’T ME HAS TO GO. Now.

That’s better. Now there’s just me. I’m the right kind of person. Except for my knees. They’re always giving me trouble. Those bastards have to go. And my back. Always aching.

All I really need is my brain. Problem is, the left side and the right side don’t get along. One of them is going to have to go. I’ve got my money on the right side. That sucker’s ruthless.

101 Turkeys

Cruella Rumsfeld, Cruella Rumsfeld
When he will get you, nobody can tell
The world was such a wholesome place until
Cruella, Cruella Rumsfeld

If your skin is light brown, you’re sent to rendition
You innocent Sunnis, assume the position
He’s turned the Middle East into a hell
Cruella, Cruella Rumsfeld

At first you think that Rumsfeld is the devil
And after time has worn away the shock
You come to understand, you know this is the man
Who couldn’t wait for something like Iraq

The ice in the water, the dogs on the leash
He wants you all locked up and never released
You might as well get settled in your cell
Cruella, Cruella Rumsfeld

Vote for Turkey

By God, the world must become a democracy, or we’re going to shoot every damn one of you. Do you HEAR ME! A DEMOCRACY! We will not PUT UP with this commie terrorist bullarky. If you don’t turn into a democracy, we’re going to SHOOT YOUR MOTHER.

A democracy is SO much better than anything you have out there. Right here in America (okay, the United States of America, don’t split hairs), we have a perfectly functioning democracy. The guy we elected president of the United States is busy making movies while the guy who lost is running the show. Perfect democracy in action.

Meanwhile, in Mexico, we forced those poor bastards to the polls, and they STILL haven’t figured out who won. The GOOD news is that in a few more weeks there will be so many dead drug lords, there won’t be ANYONE left to vote opposition. Unless they let the severed heads vote.

And look how well democracy is turning out for Hamas, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Hugo Chavez.

So let’s not be like Thailand, where they have a coup every four years. THAT doesn’t work at all. No sir. Not a place where EVERYONE is happy, and the girls run out to give the military soldiers roses for showing up and fixing the country. That’s bad news right there.

Doesn’t it bother ANYONE that the Thai coup was more organized, pleasant, and successful than the LAST TWO U.S. ELECTIONS? I think we should start changing our leaders by cow pie throwing contests. Now THAT makes sense.

Devil Turkey

So Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called George W. Bush the Devil.

My first thought was that Bush couldn’t really be the Devil. Wouldn’t the Devil get better than a 30% approval rating? Wouldn’t the Devil pick a better baseball team than the Texas Rangers? Wouldn’t the Devil actually make money as a business man? Wouldn’t the Devil do a better job in the Middle East?

NO!

He WOULD NOT!

That’s what the Devil is supposed to do! He’s supposed to screw up the Middle East! Didn’t you see The Omen?

And what about those daughters? Wouldn’t the Devil have hot, drunk daughters?

Then there are his familiars. The Devil keeps weird vermin and twisted animals to assist him in his presence to assist him in his evil plans. How else do you explain Rice, Rumsfeld, and Ashcroft.

The Devil would be able to get out of the army. The Devil would be able to coke up with no repercussions. The Devil would be CONNECTED. The Devil would achieve the highest position on earth with ABSOLUTELY NO QUALIFICATIONS.

Look at the twinkle in his eye! The knowing little grin. The smugness. The big package in the Mission Accomplished flight suit!

He IS the Devil.

Well, I for one feel much better now. I thought there wasn’t a plan.

Plus, I made a deal with the guy. With Washington bureaucracy, I won’t have to pay off.

Turkey Pigeons

What a time it was back then when there were quite a bit fewer states, and each one wielded a great deal of power, and the President was only slightly more powerful than Kofi Annan. Before most of our major conflicts, the President would have to appear hat in hand before congress and ask permission to bomb the living bejesus out of Japan after a sneak attack. There were exceptions. This Union has managed to wage undeclared war before. Just ask the Native Americans.

Today, the President of the United States of America can pretty much wage war whenever he wants, without the approval of anyone except the guys telling him what to do. He can wage war in Southeast Asia (twice). He can wage war in Iraq (twice). He can wage war against drugs (“Drugs Win War on Drugs” – The Onion).

Which brings us to the War on Terror. It’s actually a pretty scary war. You can almost read the headline a couple decades from now – Terror Wins War on Terror – and it won’t be in the Onion. Its main front is in Afghanistan. Some folks think it has a second front in Iraq. Maybe they’re right, but I hope not. The history of success for wars waged on two fronts is not very good.

Problem with the War on Terror is that it legitimized terrorism. There have always been fringe radical nuts in the world. Plenty in this here Union. There used to be more, right before the Oklahoma City bombing. Those groups declined shortly thereafter, primarily because the serious nuts were being ratted out by the semi-soft nuts. Talking about the overthrow of the government was not the same as blowing up babies.

The Union did the proper thing – they took the moral high ground and approached the fringe, saying they respect the right to be a complete loon, but help us out with the loon with the bomb. It worked. Not perfectly – there still are some neo-nuts out there – but enough to scale back potential damage.

What the Union did NOT do was declare war on all the fringe groups. What they did NOT do was declare war on Kansas (where Timothy McVeigh was living) or Republicans (McVeigh’s party). They used McVeigh to discourage other acts of terror.

In the case of Osama Bin Laden, however, the “President” of this Union declared war on all terrorists. Everybody. NOT limited to Osama. NOT limited to Al Qaeda. NOT even limited to Afghanistan, the country providing sanctuary to Al Qaeda.

ALL terrorists.

Which immediately elevated each and every one of them into revolutionary status. We gave them a common enemy. From their perspective, it went from “I hate those guys” to “I’m at war with those guys” to “We’re at war with those guys.”

This “President” unified and galvanized all the fringe groups in a way no one before him could. More than that, he’s giving voice to legitimate world opposition to this country. At the recent Nonaligned Movement summit in Havana, world leaders such as Hugo Chavez, Raul Castro, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and others are speaking out against this Union. In other words, they’re becoming ALIGNED.

The good news is that all these guys USED to be members of the radical fringe right in THEIR countries. Now they’re the establishment. Pretty soon they’ll start to have to watch out for THEIR OWN NUTS. Which gives us time to start a war we can win.

The War on Pigeons.

Turkey Snakes

This from the NY Post about Bill Clinton and the upcoming ABC mini-series about 9/11:

[Bill Clinton] pointedly refuted several fictionalized scenes that he claims insinuate he was too distracted by the Monica Lewinsky sex scandal to care about bin Laden and that a top adviser pulled the plug on CIA operatives who were just moments away from bagging the terror master, according to a letter to ABC boss Bob Iger obtained by The Post.

And this from Govindini Murty in FrontPageMag.com

This is the first Hollywood production I’ve seen that honestly depicts how the Clinton administration repeatedly bungled the capture of Osama Bin Laden.

So ABC wants to blame it all on Monica Lewinsky and conservatives contend that Clinton should be responsible for capturing Osama Bin Laden.

And with all this, let's talk about something I learned in grade school: Glass snakes aren’t real snakes. They are legless lizards.

Do you remember learning that? Science was full of interesting and unusual facts that NEVER MADE SENSE.

Look at the picture. LOOK AT IT! That’s a damn snake, and you know it!

This is from the Wikipedia: “…the fact that they have movable eyelids and external ear openings make it obvious that they are lizards.”

I say the fact that they don’t have LEGS makes them SNAKES! The fact that they have eyelids and earholes make them eyelidded, earholed SNAKES.

We all know a snake when we see one. We all know a turkeyhead when we see one. And we all know what a Mess O'Potamia (thank you Jon Stewart) we're in right now.

Don’t even get me started about Pluto.

Turkey People

I am people.

If nothing else is true, it’s that. I am people. You are people. We all belong to the subset of earth known as people.

So stop this superior than thou bologna. Seriously. Here’s why.

You know how there’s always that guy (or girl) you know who’s working the government for money. They’ve got some deal where they’re pretending to be sick or damaged or something, and they’re collecting checks from Uncle Sam, and it’s PISSING YOU OFF. I mean, that’s the reason why we’ve got to STOP THIS WELFARE CRAP, right? Deadbeat Bob’s screwing us over to the tune of $5k a year!!! And he’s really spending it on Jack Daniels! That black dog bastard!

And what about Pungent Patti? She’s been collecting unemployment for five years and she’s not even LOOKING FOR A JOB! She’s got a Jacuzzi in the BACK YARD. Her kids go to Rapid Robert’s Private School for Genius. She’s got thirty-five pairs of shoes. That unholy church of womanhood.

There’s Fast Phil’s deal at the auto shop. Guys like that are taking advantage of us. You know what I mean, guys of the WRONG COLOR. Or Wiley Wong. He’s not even FROM THIS COUNTRY. And East Texas Pete. He’s the WORST! He’s screwed the government for an extra $3k when he applied for assistance after his family died and he lost his house in Katrina.

Here’s the deal.

Yeah, deadbeat Bob and a lot like him are taking the Welfare for a ride. You know at least one like him. How many people do you know total? Couple hundred? More? So one guy you know is sticking to the man for a few $k.

There’s also Maid Martha, working her ass to the bone since she was sixteen, met a decent guy who worked at the oil company, got married, had a couple of kids, kept a good house and made money nights at the patio factory. But the good guy got leukemia, ate up some of the savings after health insurance covered a little, and died. Martha needed a little help, especially the kids. I mean, it’s not their fault, right? She took a couple of years worth, and was grateful, especially when tiny Mike got sick with that thing they never found out about. Maybe welfare saved Mike’s life. Maybe Martha’s, too.

Or what about Mr. Aardvark. He was laid off at Stupid American Auto Manufacturer, took his unemployment for 2 years, got his degree in nursing and now saves two lives a week at Detroit Selfless Hospital.

And then there are my four aunts. They don’t have houses. Katrina took them. All gone. They’re alive, though. Found some places in Baton Rouge. If some guy came up to me and said – “I’ve got a plan to save the lives of your family, but it means Tricky Tom is going to be able steal a couple of bucks from it every year,” you know what I would say? Let Tricky Tom get his couple of bucks. My aunts are safe.

And that’s what I mean by “We’re people.” Some of us steal. Most of us. Some of us do good things. Most of us. Some of us do both things at the SAME TIME. ALL of us. My aunts could be your aunts. Hell, my aunts ARE your aunts. We’re all the same. So cut Tricky Tom a break. I know he’s working the system, and we’re all trying to do the right thing. But my family’s alive, and if I have to let a guy like Tricky Tom go for a few bucks, I’m letting it go.

Besides, you don’t know. Maybe Tricky Tom’s kid grows up to cure cancer.

PS. I don’t have a cute picture for this. Sorry.

Turkey Jesus

From the LA Times

President Signs Bill to Save San Diego Cross
The legislation labels the icon on public land a federal war memorial, an effort to make it harder for foes to force its removal.
By Tony Perry, Times Staff WriterAugust 15, 2006

SAN DIEGO — President Bush on Monday signed a bill designed to save the cross atop Mt. Soledad here from being removed, but both sides in the 17-year court battle predicted more politicking and litigating before the fate of the cross is finally decided.

Bush signed a bill sponsored by Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-El Cajon) that designates the 43-foot cross and the city land beneath it as a federal war memorial under control of the Department of Defense.


So Bush is buying the Mt. Soledad Cross. Christians around the US are supportive. They WANT the government involved in their religion.

I think it’s brilliant. It is one step toward a fine new idea: The federal government should BUY Jesus.

Think about it. By federalizing Jesus, the government could run Christianity with the competence and quality we have come to expect from our Commander in Chief.

The President would create a cabinet post, Secretary of Christ. Divisions would be formed, such as the FBA (Federal Baptist Administration) and the DPPP (Department of Presbyterians, Protestants, and Pentecostals). Bush would appoint a Christos Chairman, a czar to oversee how Christianity should be dispersed by following trends and determining appropriate levels.

In order to deal with non-Christians, the President would create a Bureau of Heathen Affairs. Large portions of land could be set aside, like reservations, for the safe housing and care of non-Christians. They could elect their own leaders and handle the gambling needs of the country.

To ensure quality employees, altar boys would have to pass civil service exams. Local elections could be held to elect deacons and bishops. Church members would create oversight committees. Cardinals could be removed in recall elections.

Instead of tithing at church, there would be an entrance fee, just like the National Park System. Or you could buy an annual pass for only $35. The government could grant concessions to help underwrite events and programs. Aramark presents Bingo Night!

Sure, you might have to fill out a lot more paperwork to receive communion, but it would hold up in court.

Everyone would get Sunday off and have to work only six days a week. Christmas would be a holiday! Oh wait, it is. Well some things would still be the same.

From now on, Jesus will carry the stars and stripes. The national anthem will become a Christian hymn. And in San Diego, a US flag would be planted atop the cross.

Hero Turkey

I stopped a terrorist plot to attack America. I did it this morning. There were dozens of terrorists trying to blow up America, and I stopped them. I did it. Me.

Each one was armed with a small tactical nuclear weapon and some Biz Bleach, which they were going to combine in 24 major U.S. cities and 6 minor ones, plus Cleveland Heights. They were moments away from their plan when I stopped it.

I am unable to say exactly how the plot was to be carried out or on what day, but the terrorists had assembled all of the materials to conduct the operation before I stopped it. Me.

I can’t tell you their names, backgrounds, or how I found out about the plot because of security reasons. I have all the information that connects them to Al Qaeda. They were well-financed, organized, and brilliant. I stopped them.

I caught 32 evil-doers and a kitten, but there may be more. I’m still looking for others, so you are not completely safe. Please ratchet up your anxiety level to “Freaked.”

Please go about your daily business as though you were safe. Rest assured, I will get them all, but you better listen to me because if you don’t, I won’t be able to catch them all. Me.

Turkey Reasoning

Why did Bush invade Iraq? It’s THE question, isn’t it? ISN’T IT? Actually, THE question is when are the Sopranos coming back. But it’s THE question in the blog world.

Except it shouldn’t be. It’s a moot question. Here’s why.

Bush rates a failure for EVERY REASON you can think of. Normal reasons, please – we’re not talking about the secret discovery of the lost Ark of the Covenant. Let’s look at a few of them. Both sides. We’ll start with the administration reasons.

WMD’s
This was one of Bush’s reasons. Either there weren’t any (oops) or there are and somebody’s still got them (uh-oh).

Saddam Kills Innocent Civilians
They’re still dying.

Security
Do you feel more secure? Really? Those folks over there are really mad. REALLY MAD. At us.

Middle East Stability
THAT’S a good one.

Democracy
Hell, we can’t even get that to work here. But yes, they had an election. What happens when Hamas wins the next election? Or Saddam?

9/11
Attacking Iraq because some of the guys were from Iraq (most were from Saudi Arabia) was like the US attacking Kansas because that’s where Timothy McVeigh was living when he bombed the Fed in Oklahoma City. Besides, the mastermind behind 9/11 – the greatest mass murderer of Americans in the US in HISTORY – is still free.

Now, here are some of the left’s secret reasons.

Oil
But we had better, safer access before. I mean, if we were acquiring more oil, wouldn’t the price per barrel go down?

Revenge for Dad
This one may pan out, but if you ask me, ol’ Saddam’s getting in a good laugh or two before he goes. And if civil war really breaks out, he might just slip by.

Distraction
Kinda like getting people to stop paying attention to your mistakes by running around naked with a sign on your back that says “LOOK AT ME, I’M AN IDIOT.” If only the Democrats would notice.

Secret Euro Conversion
Story here is that Iraq was going Euro, and that would mess up the dollar. Sorry guys, the dollar got messed up anyways.

Send a Message
Listen up, Iran/Korea/Hamas/Hizbollah. When you see how we lay down the law in Iraq, you are just going to piss your pants and give up being assholes.

Aliens
http://www.exopolitics.org/Study-Paper2.htm
Nuff said.

So it’s pointless why we’re in Iraq. There are dozens of reasons. Just pick one and win it. Like we did in Vietnam. We won that one, right?