Voting Turkey

Bad news in California. We have to choose between an un-elected, ham-acting, over-developed, boob-groping RINO and a bowl of unflavored oatmeal. Who to vote for? Can we survive for four years until Mayor Charisma can come to rescue us?

So I'm going to do the only thing that makes sense. I'm going to vote for candidate of the least obnoxious bumper-sticker drivers. Everywhere I go, I'm going to take notice of the bumper stickers of all the idiot drivers. The ones who cut me off, drive too fast, drive too slow, use their cell phones in the car.

On the day of the election, I will count up all the infractions and whoever has the fewest gets my vote.

This is much more effective than you realize. Since California is going to elect a turkeyhead either way, this plan gives us the opportunity to clean up our streets of poor drivers. All the people who read this blog (both of you) will now have to worry that I'll vote for their candidate's opponent should I catch you parking poorly or failing to merge properly. You will also have the opportunity to put the same plan into place.

We could start a state-wide, even nation-wide era of quality driving. Traffic will move more swiftly, less gas would be wasted, prices would go down, pollution would decline, children would be healthier, forests would prosper, and peace would break out in the Middle East.

Most importantly, it would knock 10-15 minutes off my commute.

Letters to Congressman Turkey part 2

Dear Congressman Turkey,

I would like to voice my concern over the recent sexual scandal involving President Clinton Congressman Foley. I am sick and tired of the disgusting lechery hypocrisy of members of the Democratic Republican Party. I can’t understand why our elected officials can’t keep their hands of their interns pages. Thank God for a vigilant conservative liberal media or left-wing right-wing nuts would continue with their plans to erode the morals of society force their beliefs down our throat. This kind of thing has got to stop stop.

A Concerned Republican Democrat

Letters to Congressman Turkey part 1

Dear Congressman Turkey:

With regards to the recent headline from the LA Times Online - Bush Unwilling to Live With a Nuclear North Korea - sometimes the trade-off can be worth it.

A Concerned Duck

Even More Congressional Turkey

In my last blog, I made a joke about how congress is passing a law to make the legal age for consensual sex Page Age. Turns out, that's not a joke. It's already true. The legal age for consensual sex in Washington DC is 16. Coincidentally, the minimum Page Age is 16.

Turns out Congressman Foley hasn't really broken any laws. It's perfectly legal to hit on high-school juniors, send hard-core nasty messages that would make Milfomaniac blush, and possibly invite one for a night of gymnastic debauchery the likes of which hasn't been seen since Dionysus met monkeys.

Then I realized -- this is part of the government plan. Everything makes sense, now.

The reason for invading Iraq - lots of brown young boys.
Rendition - squirreling them away.
Legalized torture - sure is fun.
Oil policy - lads require lubricants

I mean, that's how we got Condi Rice.

More Congressional Turkey

This just in: The Republican congress has just passed a law reducing the legal age for consensual sex to Page Age.

Other recent bills:
The Supreme Court shall make no rulings affecting stuff.
No Habeus Corpus for brown people.
War on Liberals
Robin Williams will stop making sappy movies
Katrina was good
No one - not immigrants, not outsourcing, not our kids - are allowed to do our most unpleasant jobs.
More tax-breaks for the rich
No more humor
Gays aren't people
Mark Foley was a Democrat
Gravity is a theory
Monkeys are our slaves
Greed, for lack of a better word, is good
Benito Mussolini was a Democrat
Time to pave our national parks
Leonard Part 6 was a good movie
You don't need to see his identification. These aren't the droids you're looking for.
I didn't do it
Richard Nixon was a Democrat

Congressional Turkey

I’m going to give some advice to the Republicans.

Shut.
Up.

Seriously. This is good advice. You can’t win this. There is NO WAY OUT. You are going to have to fall completely on this grenade.

Hastert? Resign now. Dems are begging for him to stay. Every moment he hangs in there is another moment we’re all reminded Republicans are more concerned about their party than protecting children from pedophiles.

Lay off the Webster. I mean the dictionary. Arguing the difference between a pedophile, molester, and pervert will not help. Most people don’t care about the difference, and the ones that do still don’t like pervs. Well, maybe a couple. For the general public, the man’s a CHILD MOLESTER.

Quit the Florida election. It does not matter that you got Joe Negron to run in Foley’s place and that he gets Foley’s votes. Foley’s name is still on the ballot. Can you imagine being a hardcore Republican, going into the booth, and having to mark an X next to child molester’s name to support your party? Don’t ask your voters to do that. Don’t ask Negron to connect himself to a child molester. Just give up and support Tim Mahoney.

Don’t blame the dems for taking political advantage. You tell me what’s worse – making political capital when your opponent self-destructs or child molesting. The more you point your fingers at the Dems, the more it’s going to look like you support molesting children.

Stop using the defense that you knew only about the “overly friendly” emails and not the graphic IMs. That’s not cutting it with anyone. Just lie. Either say you punched him in the face six months ago or say you never knew. Give your base SOMETHING to cling to, no matter how pathetic. Better than belonging to the FRIENDS OF THE CHILD MOLESTER club.

Basically, Republicans, you’re being bent over like a NAMBLA member. Take it like a man. Or a page.