Turkey Lurkey: The Sky is Falling

Thursday night, an unfettered Duck, freed from his MBA responsibilities, met up with an old friend at a bar on Wilshire Blvd for a couple of couple of drinks and a catch-up session in the glare of the start of the NFL season. Because the Steelers were slugging it out with the Titans, the bar played host to a few more participants than normal. So it wasn’t completely surprising when a half-lidded well-lit patron of the liquored arts, having been forced to stand tight near our table on the balcony (one of us, not me, requires the occasional cigarette), overheard enough conversation about the sorry state of Venice Beach to feel comfortable enough to join in.

In short time, however, the conversation quickly turned to the events of September 11 (this being 9/11 eve), and the interloper very pointedly, minus a certain amount of focus, asked, “Do you believe it was planes that brought down the towers?” I immediately said yes, and then chose to stay out of this particular conversation, because, you know, this guy is a NUT. A drunken nut at that. My companion, however, having mercifully missed most of the inanities of overwrought conspiracy theories about the destruction of the twin towers, kept the conversation going.

Because the fellow was drunk, it took some time to work out of him his own thoughts. He kept insisting on asking us very specific questions about what we thought, what we believed, and what we knew about something called “controlled demolition.” He never really did say what was on his mind. He just said “You are familiar with a popular website called YouTube, correct?” in a weak attempt at sagacity that only happens late at a bar. “Look up controlled demolition.”

Eventually, he departed leaving us with bemused smiles on our faces. It took me until two days later, while ripping out the ivy from my back yard fence (I HATE IVY), to realize exactly how I know the US government did not launch a coordinated secret attack on its own people.

First off, conspiracy theories seem to pop up immediately following major world events such as Pearl Harbor (yep, the US government was involved in that one), the Kennedy assassination, the Oklahoma City bombing. Other government conspiracy theories include Marilyn Monroe, the moon landings, AIDS, Area 51, and fluoridation (no, not my teeth, too). So this is nothing new. This has been going on for centuries, dating back to the Illuminati and the Rosicrucians.

Well, I’m here to tell you: THE GOVERNMENT IS JUST NOT THAT CLEVER. Remember, these are the people who told you that duct tape would protect you against a nuclear attack. These are the people that sold weapons to the Taliban (Rambo helped –see Rambo 3). These are the people that made alcohol illegal. Then made it legal again.

In terms of conspiracy, this is the government that sent CIA agent E. Howard Hunt out on undercover missions, hiding his identity in a red wig and makeup so ridiculous that people said, “Here comes E. Howard Hunt in that stupid red wig.” This is the government that hid Watergate by TAPING EVERY WORD OF IT.

Ultimately, here’s my thought. The US government wasn’t capable of even faking the discovery of WMD’s in Iraq. How simple was that? What, they couldn’t just plant a couple of nukes in Saddam’s basement? Look. Look what we found. Every standard New York beat cop knows how to do that.

How hard do you think that would have been for a government capable of something as complex and wide-ranging as destroying the two towers, WTC 7, the Pentagon that would have involved at least hundreds of people in on the deal, plus hundreds of witnesses (think of all the maintenance workers at the WTC as say, “the men in black” or Hans Gruber came in to plant hundreds of pounds of explosive plus large numbers of detonators that would have to be silenced), and THEN have to keep that covered up for almost a decade? Nixon couldn’t even keep it up for one year, and that was over something as small and simple as a few dirty tricks.

Nope, our government just ain’t that bright.

And a shout out to my old military pal who said it shorter, quicker and better: “If you think 9/11 was a US government conspiracy, please let me know so I can delete your dumb ass from my friends list.” Hope you are doing well and your friend is recovering quickly.

More Turkeyheading

You’ve got to hand it to Joe Wilson. He’s obviously been reading this blog. When the time came to call out, he stood right up (okay, sat down) and called the President a liar. The President. Of the United States. To his face. In the U.S. Capitol. In front of Congress. On national television.

And I, for one, am all right with that. If you think the president is lying, call him on it. Call him kettle-ears while you’re at it. Someone should have done that to Bush eight years ago.

- "I’m a uniter, not a divider.” You lie!
- "Our budget will run a deficit that will be small and short-term." You Lie!
- "I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5-pound perch in my lake." You… Okay, you got me there.

So Bush was never called out. Wilson, however, would not let the moment go without one big “You lie!” to the President. I’m proud of him. It’s a perfect Turkeyhead teaching moment. Look what he accomplished.

1. He’s now a national figure, which may have been his aim. I’ll give him more points if it was.


2. Everyone’s talking about it, and, as a by-product, healthcare


3. Rob Miller, Democratic candidate for Wilson’s seat, just got $350k in donations


4. We’re now more European than ever


5. I, for one, am going to tune in to the next speech. Maybe we’ll get to see a pie in the face.

As far as I can see, there was only one problem. That part where Wilson shouted out? The President had just said, "the reforms I am proposing would not apply to those who are here illegally.”

When Senator Long called Mayor Walmsley a Turkeyhead all those years ago, that was a statement of opinion (even if Long would not agree with that assessment). Wilson’s claim is fairly easily fact-checked. The result? Both Time and Newsweek noted that the statement was, in fact, correct by comparing it to the bill itself.

So Wilson got it wrong.

What a Turkeyhead

Re-Heated Turkey

So long old forest, we’ll miss you.

But that doesn’t mean we have to weep. Forests were not put on earth to entertain us. They are not television shows, they don’t have writers or commercials or laughtracks. Yes, they can be mysterious, sweet, beautiful, dangerous, enchanting, deceptive, angry, rewarding, productive, hungry, indifferent… But it is nature, and nature doesn’t think of itself as man’s interactive mural.

So when fire had a blow-out party through about one-quarter of the Angeles National Forest, the L.A. Times published this story:

L.A.'s nature haven, reduced to wasteland
Residents mourn the loss of trails, campgrounds, picnic areas and lookout towers in Angeles National Forest. The Station fire has burned about a quarter
of the forest, closing it indefinitely.

The article then goes on to say how sad everyone is that such a pretty place burned. It even referred to the forest as “L.A.’s playground.” Really. L.A.’s playground. As though the forest grew just for our benefit.

Yes, I’ll miss hiking the trails (many will be closed for some time), but I won’t mourn. Instead, I will watch what promises to be the second greatest recovery act of the decade. And since it’s not really here for our entertainment, maybe we should take a moment to appreciate it.

Yeah, it sucks that it’s arson. But frankly, without human interference, this place would have burned once or twice in the last fifty years. The fire is probably just overdue.

So let’s look at some of the positives.

• Not everything burned. Some of my favorite spots made it. Echo Mountain, my first Angeles hike, survived. So did Henninger Flats, Eaton Canyon, and Chantry Flat.
  



• Both observatories made it. Yeah, I know it would have been bad if Mt. Wilson had gone down, but I would have missed Stony Ridge more. The lesser known and more hidden observatory is far cooler and more personal. Check out the website - http://stony-ridge.org/

• The White City Resort, the Mt. Lowe Railway, and Ye Alpine Tavern were destroyed by fire (and flood and winds and more fire) over a period of 40 years beginning at the turn of the century (1900, people). (Check the wikipedia - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Lowe_Railway) For a period of time, this was one of Los Angeles’s best tourist attractions. Now it’s a spectacular hike to its ruins. Imagine if fire had not destroyed it. There’d be a 7-11 and a McDonald’s there now. So fire has it’s good side.
  



• Wait ‘til you see how it comes back. I’ve seen Mt. St. Helen’s and Yellowstone after devastation there. The return of growth is as amazing as the impact of disaster.
  



• You get to tell your grandkids you were there. It’s a defining moment.
  It had to happen eventually, and now that it has, it will be hard to burn it again for awhile. Think of it as housecleaning.
  



• What’s the big deal about green, anyway? Time to appreciate black and brown for awhile.
  



• Now you have a chance to chip in. Some of these trails are going to need rebuilding. Twenty years from now, when you take your grandkids hiking, you can tell them you helped build the trail.

So don’t be blue. Get up, get out, and make an impact yourself. I’ll be thinking about you while I knock down a beer watching the Dodger on TV from my personally air-conditioned couch.

The Purpose of Turkeyhead

Last week Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank had what you’d call a real turkey head moment. And I mean that in the most positive way.

For those of you who recall, and for those of you who don’t read the subheading, I have called upon the leaders of our country to start being blunt and honest about the idiocy that’s swirling through the country. When Louisiana senator Huey Long called New Orleans Mayor T. Semmes Walmsley a Turkey Head and Walmsley traveled all the way to Washington D.C. to punch Long out (he never got the chance – Long hid from Walmsley an entire week), that’s what I extolled as proper political behavior. None of this mealy-mouth side-speak you hear from politicians today.

Imagine…

The Bush/Kerry debate
BUSH: That's what liberals do. They create government-sponsored health care. Maybe you think that makes sense. I don't.
KERRY: You’re such an idiot.

The Bush/Gore debate
BUSH: I’m absolutely opposed to a national health care plan. I don’t want the federal government making decisions for consumers or for providers.
GORE: Oh my God, you’re such an idiot.

The Clinton/Bush(I)/Perot debate
BUSH(I): Fuel efficiency standards at 40 to 45 miles a gallon will throw many auto workers out of work.
CLINTON: Your son is such an idiot.
PEROT: No doubt.
JIM LEHRER: Seriously.

See how it works? Not only do you feel better, but had either Kerry or Gore used that technique, they would have been elected president (oh, wait – Gore was).

And now they’re starting to get it. Barney Frank laid a beatdown on one of the town hall nuts who had just called a currently proposed health-care policy a “Nazi policy.” That would pretty much make Obama Hitler, which may be a tad extreme (not like calling someone a Turkey Head). To which Frank got off this one-two punch:

“On what planet do you spend most of your time?”

And

“Ma’am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table. I have no interest in doing it.”

I’m thinking of renaming this blog “Dining Room Table Head.”