Dr. Turkey is IN

Okay, so the government can’t afford healthcare. Got it. We hear you loud and clear. We were also trying to hear that other guy over there, the one with H1N2 (the sequel), but you were louder, so yours is the only voice we’re going to listen to. No government healthcare. Done.

What now? What’s the plan? You MUST have something in mind. Please let us in on it. Enlighten us. The way we see it, there are just a handful of options available. Check off one of the boxes below and send it, along with a check for $69.95, to:
Eugene V. Debs III
That Sketchy Coffee and Smoke Shop
1955 Soho, NY

Option one: Change nothing and let your company keep paying for group insurance. THAT’s working, right? Of course, you’ve got to convince your company to keep doing it. Tell them it’s good business, that they save money because you are healthy. Convince them that you heard on NPR that employee illness costs business $1.3 fabrillion dollars a year, even though when YOU get sick, the work still gets done, either by Carol Cubemate or by you when you get back. Of course, you might get permanently sick, so they get Bradley Headphones at half your salary to replace you, and you can’t collect disability because you made such a big stink about government spending, remember?

Option two: YOU pay the doctor bills. Got the flu? $200 visit to Old Doc Hackencoff. Pain in the leg? $800 X-ray. Pain in the head? $1600 MRI. Pain in the heart? $16,000 funeral service.



Option three: Join your own health group. Costco Health and Chicken Wing package. Put your health in the hands of people who make a profit at it, trying to make MONEY out of this. They calculate just how much you’re going to cost them in healthcare, and charge you just a little bit more. They have a room full of math nerds calculating EXACTLY when you are going to get sick, going to break a leg, and they stamp an expiration date on you. You wind up paying $1195.39 a year more than they would have spent on their own, but hey, you have insurance.

Option four: Buy a plastic bubble. Live in it. Never get sick. Worked for John Travolta.







Option five: Expire