Turkey People

I am people.

If nothing else is true, it’s that. I am people. You are people. We all belong to the subset of earth known as people.

So stop this superior than thou bologna. Seriously. Here’s why.

You know how there’s always that guy (or girl) you know who’s working the government for money. They’ve got some deal where they’re pretending to be sick or damaged or something, and they’re collecting checks from Uncle Sam, and it’s PISSING YOU OFF. I mean, that’s the reason why we’ve got to STOP THIS WELFARE CRAP, right? Deadbeat Bob’s screwing us over to the tune of $5k a year!!! And he’s really spending it on Jack Daniels! That black dog bastard!

And what about Pungent Patti? She’s been collecting unemployment for five years and she’s not even LOOKING FOR A JOB! She’s got a Jacuzzi in the BACK YARD. Her kids go to Rapid Robert’s Private School for Genius. She’s got thirty-five pairs of shoes. That unholy church of womanhood.

There’s Fast Phil’s deal at the auto shop. Guys like that are taking advantage of us. You know what I mean, guys of the WRONG COLOR. Or Wiley Wong. He’s not even FROM THIS COUNTRY. And East Texas Pete. He’s the WORST! He’s screwed the government for an extra $3k when he applied for assistance after his family died and he lost his house in Katrina.

Here’s the deal.

Yeah, deadbeat Bob and a lot like him are taking the Welfare for a ride. You know at least one like him. How many people do you know total? Couple hundred? More? So one guy you know is sticking to the man for a few $k.

There’s also Maid Martha, working her ass to the bone since she was sixteen, met a decent guy who worked at the oil company, got married, had a couple of kids, kept a good house and made money nights at the patio factory. But the good guy got leukemia, ate up some of the savings after health insurance covered a little, and died. Martha needed a little help, especially the kids. I mean, it’s not their fault, right? She took a couple of years worth, and was grateful, especially when tiny Mike got sick with that thing they never found out about. Maybe welfare saved Mike’s life. Maybe Martha’s, too.

Or what about Mr. Aardvark. He was laid off at Stupid American Auto Manufacturer, took his unemployment for 2 years, got his degree in nursing and now saves two lives a week at Detroit Selfless Hospital.

And then there are my four aunts. They don’t have houses. Katrina took them. All gone. They’re alive, though. Found some places in Baton Rouge. If some guy came up to me and said – “I’ve got a plan to save the lives of your family, but it means Tricky Tom is going to be able steal a couple of bucks from it every year,” you know what I would say? Let Tricky Tom get his couple of bucks. My aunts are safe.

And that’s what I mean by “We’re people.” Some of us steal. Most of us. Some of us do good things. Most of us. Some of us do both things at the SAME TIME. ALL of us. My aunts could be your aunts. Hell, my aunts ARE your aunts. We’re all the same. So cut Tricky Tom a break. I know he’s working the system, and we’re all trying to do the right thing. But my family’s alive, and if I have to let a guy like Tricky Tom go for a few bucks, I’m letting it go.

Besides, you don’t know. Maybe Tricky Tom’s kid grows up to cure cancer.

PS. I don’t have a cute picture for this. Sorry.

Turkey Jesus

From the LA Times

President Signs Bill to Save San Diego Cross
The legislation labels the icon on public land a federal war memorial, an effort to make it harder for foes to force its removal.
By Tony Perry, Times Staff WriterAugust 15, 2006

SAN DIEGO — President Bush on Monday signed a bill designed to save the cross atop Mt. Soledad here from being removed, but both sides in the 17-year court battle predicted more politicking and litigating before the fate of the cross is finally decided.

Bush signed a bill sponsored by Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-El Cajon) that designates the 43-foot cross and the city land beneath it as a federal war memorial under control of the Department of Defense.


So Bush is buying the Mt. Soledad Cross. Christians around the US are supportive. They WANT the government involved in their religion.

I think it’s brilliant. It is one step toward a fine new idea: The federal government should BUY Jesus.

Think about it. By federalizing Jesus, the government could run Christianity with the competence and quality we have come to expect from our Commander in Chief.

The President would create a cabinet post, Secretary of Christ. Divisions would be formed, such as the FBA (Federal Baptist Administration) and the DPPP (Department of Presbyterians, Protestants, and Pentecostals). Bush would appoint a Christos Chairman, a czar to oversee how Christianity should be dispersed by following trends and determining appropriate levels.

In order to deal with non-Christians, the President would create a Bureau of Heathen Affairs. Large portions of land could be set aside, like reservations, for the safe housing and care of non-Christians. They could elect their own leaders and handle the gambling needs of the country.

To ensure quality employees, altar boys would have to pass civil service exams. Local elections could be held to elect deacons and bishops. Church members would create oversight committees. Cardinals could be removed in recall elections.

Instead of tithing at church, there would be an entrance fee, just like the National Park System. Or you could buy an annual pass for only $35. The government could grant concessions to help underwrite events and programs. Aramark presents Bingo Night!

Sure, you might have to fill out a lot more paperwork to receive communion, but it would hold up in court.

Everyone would get Sunday off and have to work only six days a week. Christmas would be a holiday! Oh wait, it is. Well some things would still be the same.

From now on, Jesus will carry the stars and stripes. The national anthem will become a Christian hymn. And in San Diego, a US flag would be planted atop the cross.

Hero Turkey

I stopped a terrorist plot to attack America. I did it this morning. There were dozens of terrorists trying to blow up America, and I stopped them. I did it. Me.

Each one was armed with a small tactical nuclear weapon and some Biz Bleach, which they were going to combine in 24 major U.S. cities and 6 minor ones, plus Cleveland Heights. They were moments away from their plan when I stopped it.

I am unable to say exactly how the plot was to be carried out or on what day, but the terrorists had assembled all of the materials to conduct the operation before I stopped it. Me.

I can’t tell you their names, backgrounds, or how I found out about the plot because of security reasons. I have all the information that connects them to Al Qaeda. They were well-financed, organized, and brilliant. I stopped them.

I caught 32 evil-doers and a kitten, but there may be more. I’m still looking for others, so you are not completely safe. Please ratchet up your anxiety level to “Freaked.”

Please go about your daily business as though you were safe. Rest assured, I will get them all, but you better listen to me because if you don’t, I won’t be able to catch them all. Me.

Turkey Reasoning

Why did Bush invade Iraq? It’s THE question, isn’t it? ISN’T IT? Actually, THE question is when are the Sopranos coming back. But it’s THE question in the blog world.

Except it shouldn’t be. It’s a moot question. Here’s why.

Bush rates a failure for EVERY REASON you can think of. Normal reasons, please – we’re not talking about the secret discovery of the lost Ark of the Covenant. Let’s look at a few of them. Both sides. We’ll start with the administration reasons.

WMD’s
This was one of Bush’s reasons. Either there weren’t any (oops) or there are and somebody’s still got them (uh-oh).

Saddam Kills Innocent Civilians
They’re still dying.

Security
Do you feel more secure? Really? Those folks over there are really mad. REALLY MAD. At us.

Middle East Stability
THAT’S a good one.

Democracy
Hell, we can’t even get that to work here. But yes, they had an election. What happens when Hamas wins the next election? Or Saddam?

9/11
Attacking Iraq because some of the guys were from Iraq (most were from Saudi Arabia) was like the US attacking Kansas because that’s where Timothy McVeigh was living when he bombed the Fed in Oklahoma City. Besides, the mastermind behind 9/11 – the greatest mass murderer of Americans in the US in HISTORY – is still free.

Now, here are some of the left’s secret reasons.

Oil
But we had better, safer access before. I mean, if we were acquiring more oil, wouldn’t the price per barrel go down?

Revenge for Dad
This one may pan out, but if you ask me, ol’ Saddam’s getting in a good laugh or two before he goes. And if civil war really breaks out, he might just slip by.

Distraction
Kinda like getting people to stop paying attention to your mistakes by running around naked with a sign on your back that says “LOOK AT ME, I’M AN IDIOT.” If only the Democrats would notice.

Secret Euro Conversion
Story here is that Iraq was going Euro, and that would mess up the dollar. Sorry guys, the dollar got messed up anyways.

Send a Message
Listen up, Iran/Korea/Hamas/Hizbollah. When you see how we lay down the law in Iraq, you are just going to piss your pants and give up being assholes.

Aliens
http://www.exopolitics.org/Study-Paper2.htm
Nuff said.

So it’s pointless why we’re in Iraq. There are dozens of reasons. Just pick one and win it. Like we did in Vietnam. We won that one, right?

Solving Turkey

I have solved the Middle East crisis.

First, we tell everybody in the Middle East that the land is TOO holy to live on. NO ONE can live on it. It’s an offense to God. You’ve killed WAY TOO MANY people and now you’ve got to go. No more temples, walls, or pilgrimages. We’re going to give the area a rest.

Then, we move everybody to New Zealand. There’s room, plenty to eat, the weather’s nice, and maybe everybody will calm down. The New Zealanders won’t mind because they’re basically nice people. Because the weather’s nice. That’s what nice weather will do.

And we take away the guns. Not because they might shoot each other, but because they might shoot a sheep. The one animal in the world you shouldn’t shoot is a sheep. You know it’s true.

After a while (45 years), we let a few back in. Ten at a time. A mix of the religions and sects. One house, kinda like a reality show. If they can’t behave, pow! Right back to New Zealand. If they do behave, we’ll do ten more. After a few more decades, the place will be populated with well-behaved people.

You parents out there will recognize this ingenious plan as one big Time Out. Because that’s what they need. A Time Out. That will solve the whole Middle East process.

Maybe later I’ll tell you about my plan to solve immigration by having the CIA secretly build a tunnel from Tijuana INTO the U.S. Only, it would be to Minnesota. Those are nice people, too.

Mel

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Exit Turkey

Al Swearengen: And Ned throws down...
Persimon Phil: Against Wild Bill Hickok?
Al Swearengen: Against Hickok and this other cocksucker who draws almost as fast, so it's a toss-up who blew Ned's head off.

Something’s going to get us. Nobody knows what, but something’s going to get us. Fundamentalist religious nuts THINK they know what’s going to get us, but they don’t know. Something’s gunning for us right now; better get your affairs in order. It’s going to be just like Deadwood around here soon.

Right now the fat money’s on two horses – global warming and the Middle East. Let’s see how it works out:

Gobal Warming – melts the icecaps, which in turn causes the seas rise up and drown Florida as well as lower in temperature, which causes a new ice age overnight and 3 million years later aliens dig out Condoleeza Rice with FRESH LETTUCE STILL ON HER LIPS.
Middle East – the Israelis miss Beirut and wind up in Syria before they stop at the Iranian border where they meet Ahmadinejad with his teeth full of nukes and thereupon melt each other, creating nuclear fallout and new ice age overnight and 3 million years later aliens dig out Tony Blair with GEORGE BUSH’S ASS STILL ON HIS LIPS.

Of course, it could be something less expected. Here are some other options:

Pandemic – Aids, Ebola, Marburg, Bird Flu, Kevin McHale Flu…
Meteor – Especially now that Bruce Willis is getting old
Religious Apocalypse – Start building your boat now
Aliens – With lasers set on simmer

And then there’s just craziness

Y3K – Not to early to start worrying
Supernova – Carry plenty of SPF 50
Robots – Gone Wild
Mad Jesus – Mel Gibson pushed him over the edge

My dough’s on the sun; that sucker is hot.

http://www.exitmundi.nl