Back from the Wilderness Turkey

The Mad Duck returns after a near two-year hiatus. Yes, I know you all missed it (both of you), but now the Duck has more to say and you damn well better listen, for like Joseph Campbell’s “hero with a thousand faces,” I have been walking the wilderness, aka Pepperdine Graziadio School of Business Management.

For those of you unfamiliar with said milli-faceted hero, here’s the quote from the book:

A hero ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons on his fellow man.

And, boy, do I have boons for you.

Boon 1: I took two classes in Economics, and the key thing I learned was that WE ARE ALL DOOMED. Seriously. You think this is bottom? This is just the bottom of a sinking boat, and the crew is down there at the hull digging a hole looking for buried treasure. The solution to the US economic problem is to spend money. Problem is, WE DON’T HAVE ANY. We’re in debt up to our eyeballs. Brother, can you spare a trillion dimes?

Boon 2: I took two classes in Law, and the key thing I learned was that WE ARE ALL DOOMED. The rule of law has been eroding for several decades. CEO Peter Pocketliner has been draining his company the equivalent of the GDP of a medium European nation, thereby reducing your 401k by another eight years worth of retirement money, so he gets three trials with two acquittals and a hung jury, but by God we’re going to hang that Gary Glassylook, the homeless sucker who did a quarter ounce of crack cocaine in his $8 a night room at the Guano Arms in downtown Los Angeles because he’s so much of a threat to our safety he might actually attempt to USE A PUBLIC RESTROOM WHILE WE’RE IN IT!!!! Meanwhile, this Pocketliner guy resigns from AIG and takes a job running Visa because all he needs now is a REALLY BIG credit card.

Boon 3: I took two classes in international law and international marketing, and the key thing I learned was that WE ARE ALL DOOMED. China’s coming. And India. And Russia. And Brazil. But mostly, China. Did you see the opening ceremonies at the Olympics? What was it, three or four hundred thousand performers in perfect unison all demanding that we GIVE UP NOW? These people are patient – they don’t have to run for re-election every four minutes. They’ve got a plan, and they’ve got their eye on the corn belt. These folks are hungry.

Boon 4: I’ve taken classes in finance and accounting, and the key thing I learned was that WE ARE ALL DOOMED. None of the students in either class remembered how to complete simple mathematic equations, so we faked it.

Bet they know math in China.