Turkey Jesus

From the LA Times

President Signs Bill to Save San Diego Cross
The legislation labels the icon on public land a federal war memorial, an effort to make it harder for foes to force its removal.
By Tony Perry, Times Staff WriterAugust 15, 2006

SAN DIEGO — President Bush on Monday signed a bill designed to save the cross atop Mt. Soledad here from being removed, but both sides in the 17-year court battle predicted more politicking and litigating before the fate of the cross is finally decided.

Bush signed a bill sponsored by Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-El Cajon) that designates the 43-foot cross and the city land beneath it as a federal war memorial under control of the Department of Defense.


So Bush is buying the Mt. Soledad Cross. Christians around the US are supportive. They WANT the government involved in their religion.

I think it’s brilliant. It is one step toward a fine new idea: The federal government should BUY Jesus.

Think about it. By federalizing Jesus, the government could run Christianity with the competence and quality we have come to expect from our Commander in Chief.

The President would create a cabinet post, Secretary of Christ. Divisions would be formed, such as the FBA (Federal Baptist Administration) and the DPPP (Department of Presbyterians, Protestants, and Pentecostals). Bush would appoint a Christos Chairman, a czar to oversee how Christianity should be dispersed by following trends and determining appropriate levels.

In order to deal with non-Christians, the President would create a Bureau of Heathen Affairs. Large portions of land could be set aside, like reservations, for the safe housing and care of non-Christians. They could elect their own leaders and handle the gambling needs of the country.

To ensure quality employees, altar boys would have to pass civil service exams. Local elections could be held to elect deacons and bishops. Church members would create oversight committees. Cardinals could be removed in recall elections.

Instead of tithing at church, there would be an entrance fee, just like the National Park System. Or you could buy an annual pass for only $35. The government could grant concessions to help underwrite events and programs. Aramark presents Bingo Night!

Sure, you might have to fill out a lot more paperwork to receive communion, but it would hold up in court.

Everyone would get Sunday off and have to work only six days a week. Christmas would be a holiday! Oh wait, it is. Well some things would still be the same.

From now on, Jesus will carry the stars and stripes. The national anthem will become a Christian hymn. And in San Diego, a US flag would be planted atop the cross.