Hero Turkey

I stopped a terrorist plot to attack America. I did it this morning. There were dozens of terrorists trying to blow up America, and I stopped them. I did it. Me.

Each one was armed with a small tactical nuclear weapon and some Biz Bleach, which they were going to combine in 24 major U.S. cities and 6 minor ones, plus Cleveland Heights. They were moments away from their plan when I stopped it.

I am unable to say exactly how the plot was to be carried out or on what day, but the terrorists had assembled all of the materials to conduct the operation before I stopped it. Me.

I can’t tell you their names, backgrounds, or how I found out about the plot because of security reasons. I have all the information that connects them to Al Qaeda. They were well-financed, organized, and brilliant. I stopped them.

I caught 32 evil-doers and a kitten, but there may be more. I’m still looking for others, so you are not completely safe. Please ratchet up your anxiety level to “Freaked.”

Please go about your daily business as though you were safe. Rest assured, I will get them all, but you better listen to me because if you don’t, I won’t be able to catch them all. Me.