All You Other Turkeys

God, I hate them.

We’re so much better than they are. We’re normal and they’re weird. We’re right and they’re wrong. We’re decent and they’re disgusting. We smell normal and they smell sour.

Don’t you hate them? Always getting in your way. Always standing around and stuff. Paying with exact change when you’re in a hurry. In the bathroom too long. What are they doing in there? Forgetting what they want to order. How can you go into a McDonald’s and not know what to ORDER?

At least we have the right religion. Well, most of us. Except for a few strange people in Hollywood. And Utah. And parts of upstate New York.

Wait a minute… Those people are them, too, aren’t they? Get them out of here. Tell them to go back where they belong. They don’t belong with US. We don’t want their kind around.

And those people with the wrong attitude about the war. What’s the matter with these people anyway? Don’t they know what’s at stake? They should just find another country and move there.

And those people who don’t think like us. Those people who think they’re smarter than us. Always walking around thinking they’re better. They’re ruining everything.

Dumb people, too! Why can’t they get their act together? They are SCREWING up this country!

Bad drivers. They have to go, too. Seriously. They make me want to SCREAM.

Foreigners. ALL of them. Don’t even send them back. Just put them on a plane to Manitoba.

Finally, when all those other people are gone, we can have some peace. Except you. You have to go, too. EVERYBODY WHO ISN’T ME HAS TO GO. Now.

That’s better. Now there’s just me. I’m the right kind of person. Except for my knees. They’re always giving me trouble. Those bastards have to go. And my back. Always aching.

All I really need is my brain. Problem is, the left side and the right side don’t get along. One of them is going to have to go. I’ve got my money on the right side. That sucker’s ruthless.