Solving Turkey

I have solved the Middle East crisis.

First, we tell everybody in the Middle East that the land is TOO holy to live on. NO ONE can live on it. It’s an offense to God. You’ve killed WAY TOO MANY people and now you’ve got to go. No more temples, walls, or pilgrimages. We’re going to give the area a rest.

Then, we move everybody to New Zealand. There’s room, plenty to eat, the weather’s nice, and maybe everybody will calm down. The New Zealanders won’t mind because they’re basically nice people. Because the weather’s nice. That’s what nice weather will do.

And we take away the guns. Not because they might shoot each other, but because they might shoot a sheep. The one animal in the world you shouldn’t shoot is a sheep. You know it’s true.

After a while (45 years), we let a few back in. Ten at a time. A mix of the religions and sects. One house, kinda like a reality show. If they can’t behave, pow! Right back to New Zealand. If they do behave, we’ll do ten more. After a few more decades, the place will be populated with well-behaved people.

You parents out there will recognize this ingenious plan as one big Time Out. Because that’s what they need. A Time Out. That will solve the whole Middle East process.

Maybe later I’ll tell you about my plan to solve immigration by having the CIA secretly build a tunnel from Tijuana INTO the U.S. Only, it would be to Minnesota. Those are nice people, too.