Turkeyhead of the Week

On Monday, there will be a new Turkeyhead of the year for next week. Unfortunately, we do not know who that is yet.

Will it be –

M Night Shyamalan, supergenius?

Or

Nina Jacobsen, Disneygenius?

The current National Endowment for the Arts is $121 million annually. Sounds like a lot. I mean, I don’t have $121 million. $121 million is ALMOST a third of the Staples Center. It’s ALMOST 3 ten-thousandths of the US military budget for 2006. It’s ALMOST enough to buy a 100 BMW Z8s. That’s a lot of Beamers.

It used to be more. About 20 years ago, it was nearly $180 million, until some evil demented photographer snapped a shot of a woman’s tit, and a depraved novelist wrote about a sham minister and bam! You artists are out $60 mil, pals-o-mine. That’ll teach you to make stuff some of us don’t want to see.

Nina Jacobsen wanted to give M Night Shyamalan $70 million to make ONE of his movies. That’s not even the whole NEA BUDGET! She only wanted one small thing. She wanted a say in its production. What’s the matter with these Disney people, anyways? Don’t they know GENIUS when they see it? They’re actually WORRIED about their money!

Of course, Shyamalan didn’t see it that way. So he told Disney to keep their $70 mil. He said he could get it from the Bros. (Warner). Wasn’t enough, though. That’s why there’s a book called, “The Man Who Heard Voices: Or, How M. Night Shyamalan Risked His Career on a Fairy Tale” (Gotham, $27.50 hardcover). Shyamalan wanted to make sure everybody would PAY him MONEY to hear him complain.

Most of you out there have at one time or another wanted to publish a book on YOUR boss. I know I have. Here’s the difference: Shyamalan’s bosses pay him a truckload of money, plus they entrust him with another 10 truckloads of money to invest in a movie. And (Oh, how horrible), they want a RETURN on their investment. So, yes, they want a say in the project.

Disney's representative, Nina Jacobsen, read the script and said, EWWW. Where’s the scary? Where’s the creepy? Where’s the MONEY? Maybe this one's TOO weird.

Shyamalan doesn’t WANT the input of these people. He believes his vision of the project is better. He believes he’s right. He believes he’s a GENIUS. He may EVEN be right. But if he wants 10 truckloads of money, he’s going to need a patron.

Take The Village. Cost $70 mil, gross $114 mil (source IMDB). Winner, right? You’d think so, but here’s the problem. The cost is just for production. There’s also prints and advertising (in the business - P&A). They don’t spread that number around but it’s not going to be cheap. Could be as much as $35 mil total, maybe more. So overall costs are $105 mil. Still a winner? Don’t forget the theaters. They take about half gross, so that $114 mil is now $57 mil vs. the $105 mil laid out. Ouch! Well don't worry, they’ll probably make it back on DVD.

The man who’s complaining that Disney won’t leave him alone just lost $48 million of Disney’s money theatrically.

Or look at it this way – you’re paying somebody $2k to paint your house. You want your house painted yellow. He tells you should paint it blue. Blue’s better. He may be right, but it’s YOUR money. Bet you get a yellow house.

Lady in the Water opens this weekend. If it wins, Shyamalan is a genius and the bean counters lose. If it misses, then the studios win and artistes lose. Shyamalan has bet his reputation on it. Or at least your ticket money on it.

If it fails, and M. Night Shyamalan wants to make the next movie HIS way and only HIS way, I suggest he take the profits from his bitch book and sink it into his next film. Or better yet, apply for a grant from the NEA. They’ve got $121 mil.