Turkey Cruise

Last night, Tom Cruise broke into my house and raped my ficus. And then he ate my favorite chocolates. I caught him in the hamper trying to mix colors and whites. He crouched and snarled like an injured ferret and sprang out the window.

Why is Tom Cruise the devil? (We all know Tim Curry is the devil.) Seriously. What’s he done to you? Sure, he’s a little whacked. He says dumbass things. He dances on Oprah’s couch. He made Vanilla Sky. The cruel bastard!

I know people who are more involved in Tom Cruise’s life than they are with the lives of their friends. The spend MONEY to buy MAGAZINES to tell them what Tom does.

Here are the complaints about Tom that I’ve heard:

1. He’s a Scientologist
2. He divorced Nicole
3. He married Kate, way too young for him
4. He’s gay, the marriages are bogus
5. He’s crazy

First, before all other things, why should we have an opinion anyway? It’s not like we KNOW the guy. He’s not our friend, he doesn’t live on our block, he doesn’t work in the next cube. If Tom Cruise wants to eat his socks with anchovies, why should it matter to us? Because we pay money to see his movies? That gives us the right to have opinions about HIS LIFE?

Okay, it’s what we do. We pretty bored people anyway. Clearly Tom Cruise is MORE IMPORTANT than the fact that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is trying to kill us all with nukes. More important than the fact that Greenland is about to dump so much ice in the Atlantic that New Yorkers will have to relocate to (gasp!) New Jersey! More important than the fact that over 25 million people are dead from one disease without a real cure in sight.

Back to Tom. Let’s take the complaints one by one.

1. Scientology. So what? Mel Gibson’s a Catholic. One man’s mumbo jumbo is another man’s… well, it’s all mumbo jumbo.
2. That’s because he’s number 5. We’ll get to that in a minute.
3. They are two of the best looking people in the world, no matter how old they are. So what if he’s 42 and she’s 16? (Yes, yes, count it up.) It’s not age, it’s screwability. And they’re both VERY screwable.
4. This assumption seems so weird to me on so many levels. First, it is just an assumption, no matter what the guaranteed rumors are. Second, even if the rumors are true, hasn’t ANYONE heard of bisexuality? Third, so what? YOUR marriage isn’t perfect, either.
5. He’s an actor. They ALL are. There are NO GROUNDED or DOWN-TO-EARTH actors. If they were NORMAL, they wouldn’t be ACTORS.

We stand in judgment of all this behavior. Tom Cruise, you have been JUDGED BY US and deemed UNFIT for our opinions. We’ll STILL SEE Mission Impossible III, but it’s NOT YOUR FAULT the film was a piece of squirrel excrement.

Gotta go. Marlon Brando’s ghost just ate my couch.