Split Turkey
The country is split right down the middle. Fractured. Deeply divided. Worse than the 60s. Left/Right. Liberal/Conservative. One state, two state, red state, blue state.
That’s what the pundits tell you. And they’re WRONG. This baloney started after the 2000 election. Half the people voted for the cokehead and half the people voted for the pothead. What really happened is ALL the people voted for an elite Ivy League rich kid from a political family with lots o money, and who also had a history of drug abuse with a tendency towards not telling the complete truth. About the only major difference between the two was that one went to school with Tommy Lee Jones while the WIFE of the other went to school with Tommy Lee Jones. And one of them is in oil and the other is in tobacco.
If there had been an option on the ballot that said “While I’m voting for one or the other of the major party candidates, I agree that BOTH candidates are Turkeyheads,” you would have seen the largest landslide vote in the country’s history.
Truth is we are a largely varied population with a wide array of interests, with general agreement on the major issues of life, such as beer = good and lite beer = lite good. Most of us (and by most of us, I mean the extraordinary VAST MAJORITY of us) believe in a working morality, fair play, security for our family, and just common decency. We try to be good. We don’t always succeed, but we try. It’s only the smallish, unimportant things (Yankees vs Sox, Red Vines vs. Twizzlers, soda vs. pop, soccer vs. football, metric vs. normal) in which we find true disagreement.
Yes, I know you can always find some extreme point of view somewhere as the exception to prove the rule. There ARE serial killers, there ARE con artists, there ARE Mormons. These exceptions will prove important when trying to take over the world.
So it only APPEARS that we’re divided on the big things. Take abortion. Everyone argues over LEGAL vs ILLEGAL, FUNDED vs UNFUNDED, 3 MONTHS vs 6 MONTHS. Here’s the thing: NOBODY LIKES ABORTIONS. Let’s repeat that . WE ARE BEING MANIPULATED.
One side says abortions should be ILLEGAL. They want to turn women who abort and the doctors who perform them into criminals. Problem is, if you illegalize it, abortions WON’T stop. The other side says, “Safe, Legal, and Rare” (sounds like fresh tuna), without an acknowledgement that abortion is an ugly thing, an undesirable thing, and – potentially – an unnecessary thing.
Both sides are actually on the SAME side IF you were to ask them this question: would you like a day in which there are NO abortions, there are NO unwanted pregnancies? If both side worked toward THAT goal – even if you never completely achieve it – there would be fewer abortions than if you made it illegal, fewer abortions than if you keep it safe, legal, and rare. It COULD be achieved through education, care, and prevention.
The more important question is: Why aren’t we working toward THAT goal? And the answer is insidious:
Karl Rove.
It's just so much easier to get elected if you divide the nation and pick the bigger side. You inflame the emotions. You stir up anger. You do everything but actually TRY TO SOLVE the issue. Just look at the congress and the senate RIGHT NOW. They squabble over a NON-BINDING resolution (def: non-binding = pointless), the only value of which is to separate sides and claim the bigger territory. No one in either house is actually DOING anything.
Then, after carving, Rove brings in those previously mentioned exceptions - extremists. Here’s Cindy Crackwhore. She’s had six abortions so far and preggers again. Here’s Adrianna Atheist-Agnostic. She works at a clinic and tries to get the word God taken out of the word Good in her spare time. Here’s Muffy Dollarlover. She sells aborted fetuses online to a Korean laboratory.
If you believe in abortions, then you must be ONE OF THEM. You’re not ONE OF THEM, are you? You’re one of US, right? Those are your only two choices. You are either a degenerate cross-dressing drugged out homosexual with AIDS trying to get married AT THE SAME ALTER as your daughter will one day, or you are one of us. You are either a flag-burning dirty hippy with gonorrhea collecting welfare, or you are one of us. You are either a God-hating child-molester who wants to ban school prayer and force everyone to speak Esperanza, or you are one of us.
In fact, let’s sponsor CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENTS as lines drawn in the sand. We want to know WHAT SIDE YOU ARE ON. Check out this list: http://www.usconstitution.net/constamprop.html. That’s 856 amendments proposed just by Congress. Something must be SERIOUSLY WRONG with our constitution to require so much change. For example, it doesn’t say you CAN’T BURN the flag. Better change that one right now. I mean, you don’t WANT to burn the flag, do you?
Wait a minute. It also doesn’t say you can’t carry a dead opossum around in your underwear. You CERTAINLY don’t want that. I propose a NO DEAD OPOSSUM IN YOUR UNDERWEAR amendment. We need to see, right now, on what side of the river you stand on that one. So which are you? Are you against dead opossums in your underwear? Or are you one of those people who worry about "rights" and "sense" and "dead opossums?"
That’s how you get a cokehead elected president.
That’s what the pundits tell you. And they’re WRONG. This baloney started after the 2000 election. Half the people voted for the cokehead and half the people voted for the pothead. What really happened is ALL the people voted for an elite Ivy League rich kid from a political family with lots o money, and who also had a history of drug abuse with a tendency towards not telling the complete truth. About the only major difference between the two was that one went to school with Tommy Lee Jones while the WIFE of the other went to school with Tommy Lee Jones. And one of them is in oil and the other is in tobacco.
If there had been an option on the ballot that said “While I’m voting for one or the other of the major party candidates, I agree that BOTH candidates are Turkeyheads,” you would have seen the largest landslide vote in the country’s history.
Truth is we are a largely varied population with a wide array of interests, with general agreement on the major issues of life, such as beer = good and lite beer = lite good. Most of us (and by most of us, I mean the extraordinary VAST MAJORITY of us) believe in a working morality, fair play, security for our family, and just common decency. We try to be good. We don’t always succeed, but we try. It’s only the smallish, unimportant things (Yankees vs Sox, Red Vines vs. Twizzlers, soda vs. pop, soccer vs. football, metric vs. normal) in which we find true disagreement.
Yes, I know you can always find some extreme point of view somewhere as the exception to prove the rule. There ARE serial killers, there ARE con artists, there ARE Mormons. These exceptions will prove important when trying to take over the world.
So it only APPEARS that we’re divided on the big things. Take abortion. Everyone argues over LEGAL vs ILLEGAL, FUNDED vs UNFUNDED, 3 MONTHS vs 6 MONTHS. Here’s the thing: NOBODY LIKES ABORTIONS. Let’s repeat that . WE ARE BEING MANIPULATED.
One side says abortions should be ILLEGAL. They want to turn women who abort and the doctors who perform them into criminals. Problem is, if you illegalize it, abortions WON’T stop. The other side says, “Safe, Legal, and Rare” (sounds like fresh tuna), without an acknowledgement that abortion is an ugly thing, an undesirable thing, and – potentially – an unnecessary thing.
Both sides are actually on the SAME side IF you were to ask them this question: would you like a day in which there are NO abortions, there are NO unwanted pregnancies? If both side worked toward THAT goal – even if you never completely achieve it – there would be fewer abortions than if you made it illegal, fewer abortions than if you keep it safe, legal, and rare. It COULD be achieved through education, care, and prevention.
The more important question is: Why aren’t we working toward THAT goal? And the answer is insidious:
Karl Rove.
It's just so much easier to get elected if you divide the nation and pick the bigger side. You inflame the emotions. You stir up anger. You do everything but actually TRY TO SOLVE the issue. Just look at the congress and the senate RIGHT NOW. They squabble over a NON-BINDING resolution (def: non-binding = pointless), the only value of which is to separate sides and claim the bigger territory. No one in either house is actually DOING anything.
Then, after carving, Rove brings in those previously mentioned exceptions - extremists. Here’s Cindy Crackwhore. She’s had six abortions so far and preggers again. Here’s Adrianna Atheist-Agnostic. She works at a clinic and tries to get the word God taken out of the word Good in her spare time. Here’s Muffy Dollarlover. She sells aborted fetuses online to a Korean laboratory.
If you believe in abortions, then you must be ONE OF THEM. You’re not ONE OF THEM, are you? You’re one of US, right? Those are your only two choices. You are either a degenerate cross-dressing drugged out homosexual with AIDS trying to get married AT THE SAME ALTER as your daughter will one day, or you are one of us. You are either a flag-burning dirty hippy with gonorrhea collecting welfare, or you are one of us. You are either a God-hating child-molester who wants to ban school prayer and force everyone to speak Esperanza, or you are one of us.
In fact, let’s sponsor CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENTS as lines drawn in the sand. We want to know WHAT SIDE YOU ARE ON. Check out this list: http://www.usconstitution.net/constamprop.html. That’s 856 amendments proposed just by Congress. Something must be SERIOUSLY WRONG with our constitution to require so much change. For example, it doesn’t say you CAN’T BURN the flag. Better change that one right now. I mean, you don’t WANT to burn the flag, do you?
Wait a minute. It also doesn’t say you can’t carry a dead opossum around in your underwear. You CERTAINLY don’t want that. I propose a NO DEAD OPOSSUM IN YOUR UNDERWEAR amendment. We need to see, right now, on what side of the river you stand on that one. So which are you? Are you against dead opossums in your underwear? Or are you one of those people who worry about "rights" and "sense" and "dead opossums?"
That’s how you get a cokehead elected president.
posted by Mad Duck at 4:00 PM
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