Golden Turkeys of the Silver Screen
Go here.
http://www.thedescentfilm.com/
See that? Kinda cool, huh? Kickass horror movie about – what? Some chicks who form themselves into a skull. Can’t wait to see that.
What’s that bit of business at the top? “THE BEST HORROR-THRILLER SINCE ALIEN.” Really? Then I GOT to see some of that. Because YOU KNOW that can’t put it up there unless it was true.
Or this:
There – at the bottom. “A HIGH-FLYING FAST-ACTION THRILL RIDE!” You know, I think they left off the exclamation point on The Descent poster. Hell, maybe they should put three or four.
Hollywood execs want to know why we're not to movies like we used to. Well, they were worried until we started going to movies like we used to last month. Now they’re worrying that we’ll stop again. They’ve got all sorts of theories. Video games, bigger televisions, commercials in theaters, dumb-ass patrons, dumb-ass movies.
Here’s what I think – You can’t tell if the movie is good before you see it? You can’t even guess. Not a clue.
You know the posters are baloney. Best horror-thriller since Alien? Why not just say GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE? Stick it on all the films. Fire the marketing department, and make another movie with the savings.
Read the critics? Where do you think those quotes on the poster are coming from? There are hundreds of critics in the country, and thousands more wannabes, and most of them are dying to be quoted on a movie poster (one-sheet – let’s use the industry term).
The DaVinci Code got a 23% fresh rating on http://www.rottentomatoes.com/, which means that 77% of the critics gave it a thumbs-down. However, exit polling showed (coincidentally) that 77% of the audience liked it. How’s that for being out of touch with your readers? Or if you want to experience first hand the disconnect between critics and audiences, simply read Manohla Dargis in the NY Times. Just once ought to do it.
So forget the critics. What about the trailer or the TV spot? Just like the one-sheet. Find some guy with a voice like rusty trombones and dusty scotch and have his voice on the trailer: “Mog Fabriz of the New York Mail and Coupon hails ‘A Bullet Full of Love’ as A NEW MASTERPIECE!” Make sure you stick the words on the screen in case all those deaf people are watching. Then edit the shit out of the trailer to get 3/10 of a second of EVERY SHOT in the movie, play a kickass song – no, three kickass songs – and stick something cool-looking at end after everyone thinks it’s over. Like a fast car or a dog’s butt, depending on whether it’s a comedy or a tragedy.
So what do we have? Everything looks the same. King Kong looks like Stealth looks like Snakes on a Plane. One of them might even be good, but the only way YOU’RE going to find out is to lay down $10 of that major paycheck you get every week. Or you could wait for your friend Gorhar, who goes to see EVERY DAMN MOVIE FIRST SHOW, to text you his review (which you definitely trust more than Roger Ebert or that other guy).
And it’s not $10. One night four of us went to one of those fancy schmancy ci-ne-mas where they serve bad wine in the snotty cine-file café, and your seat is leather and has your name embossed on it. That was $14.50, PLUS the service charge to buy them over the internet (making the tickets an even $60), PLUS the parking, PLUS the popcorn and soda, PLUS the real drinks before the show. The whole evening cost us $100.
There’s a theater in Cleveland that sells tickets to second-run films on Tuesday for 50 cents (have to stop a moment to make an IMPORTANT OBSERVATION: Our economy is such that they’ve take the ¢ symbol OFF the computer keyboard because NOBODY uses it anymore as it’s an ARCHAIC symbol. Screw you, George W. Bush, you Turkeyhead.). So, for the $60 ticket cost we spent for our fancy schmancy seats (for which we should get to KEEP them), 120 people in Cleveland could see a movie.
At even $10 a ticket, the movie had BETTER BE GOOD. And since it’s no longer possible to tell, I’ll wait for the DVD. Because I’m NOT moving to Cleveland.
http://www.thedescentfilm.com/
See that? Kinda cool, huh? Kickass horror movie about – what? Some chicks who form themselves into a skull. Can’t wait to see that.
What’s that bit of business at the top? “THE BEST HORROR-THRILLER SINCE ALIEN.” Really? Then I GOT to see some of that. Because YOU KNOW that can’t put it up there unless it was true.
Or this:
There – at the bottom. “A HIGH-FLYING FAST-ACTION THRILL RIDE!” You know, I think they left off the exclamation point on The Descent poster. Hell, maybe they should put three or four.
Hollywood execs want to know why we're not to movies like we used to. Well, they were worried until we started going to movies like we used to last month. Now they’re worrying that we’ll stop again. They’ve got all sorts of theories. Video games, bigger televisions, commercials in theaters, dumb-ass patrons, dumb-ass movies.
Here’s what I think – You can’t tell if the movie is good before you see it? You can’t even guess. Not a clue.
You know the posters are baloney. Best horror-thriller since Alien? Why not just say GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE? Stick it on all the films. Fire the marketing department, and make another movie with the savings.
Read the critics? Where do you think those quotes on the poster are coming from? There are hundreds of critics in the country, and thousands more wannabes, and most of them are dying to be quoted on a movie poster (one-sheet – let’s use the industry term).
The DaVinci Code got a 23% fresh rating on http://www.rottentomatoes.com/, which means that 77% of the critics gave it a thumbs-down. However, exit polling showed (coincidentally) that 77% of the audience liked it. How’s that for being out of touch with your readers? Or if you want to experience first hand the disconnect between critics and audiences, simply read Manohla Dargis in the NY Times. Just once ought to do it.
So forget the critics. What about the trailer or the TV spot? Just like the one-sheet. Find some guy with a voice like rusty trombones and dusty scotch and have his voice on the trailer: “Mog Fabriz of the New York Mail and Coupon hails ‘A Bullet Full of Love’ as A NEW MASTERPIECE!” Make sure you stick the words on the screen in case all those deaf people are watching. Then edit the shit out of the trailer to get 3/10 of a second of EVERY SHOT in the movie, play a kickass song – no, three kickass songs – and stick something cool-looking at end after everyone thinks it’s over. Like a fast car or a dog’s butt, depending on whether it’s a comedy or a tragedy.
So what do we have? Everything looks the same. King Kong looks like Stealth looks like Snakes on a Plane. One of them might even be good, but the only way YOU’RE going to find out is to lay down $10 of that major paycheck you get every week. Or you could wait for your friend Gorhar, who goes to see EVERY DAMN MOVIE FIRST SHOW, to text you his review (which you definitely trust more than Roger Ebert or that other guy).
And it’s not $10. One night four of us went to one of those fancy schmancy ci-ne-mas where they serve bad wine in the snotty cine-file café, and your seat is leather and has your name embossed on it. That was $14.50, PLUS the service charge to buy them over the internet (making the tickets an even $60), PLUS the parking, PLUS the popcorn and soda, PLUS the real drinks before the show. The whole evening cost us $100.
There’s a theater in Cleveland that sells tickets to second-run films on Tuesday for 50 cents (have to stop a moment to make an IMPORTANT OBSERVATION: Our economy is such that they’ve take the ¢ symbol OFF the computer keyboard because NOBODY uses it anymore as it’s an ARCHAIC symbol. Screw you, George W. Bush, you Turkeyhead.). So, for the $60 ticket cost we spent for our fancy schmancy seats (for which we should get to KEEP them), 120 people in Cleveland could see a movie.
At even $10 a ticket, the movie had BETTER BE GOOD. And since it’s no longer possible to tell, I’ll wait for the DVD. Because I’m NOT moving to Cleveland.
posted by Mad Duck at 12:14 PM
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