Cup o Turkey

The World Cup now – anyone care? I used to watch it on KMEX on our LOCAL station, even before I had cable. I’m not a soccer fanatic (note – I used the word “soccer” so you know I’m not a Eurosnob). I just enjoy a good sports match like most people (who drink beer), and I can actually root for the USA because in this sport they actually try.

As in any sport, soccer fans are rabid bastards who would sell their children to that strange man who lives down the street and lights small fires in his unmowed lawn for a last-row ticket behind the urinal in a championship match loyal. Many need some kind of therapy.

I saw Brazil beat Sweden 1-0 in the 1994 cup at the Rose Bowl. It was friggin’ hot in Pasadena, and the Brazilians were at least smart enough to lay in the shade of the few California Live Oaks along the Arroyo Seco in the hours leading up to the game. Except for the few who carried around a giant puppet of the WORLD’S UGLIEST CHICKEN (some kinda mascot?) on ten-foot poles, chanting the famous OLE OLE anthem.

Meanwhile, the Swedes, who apparently have never seen the sun, basked almost naked in its glorious radiance. For about fifteen minutes. Then, they began to turn a hideous radiation-poisoned red which caused ME to burn when I walked near them. Then, they burst into flames, which made them hard to look at.

While I’m not suggesting that soccer is a better or worthier sport than any other, despite its worldwide popularity, I’m annoyed at the intellectualized AVERSION the US has to it. There are actually articles written by PAID media trying to explain to you why soccer is stupid.

Well, here’s a flash bulletin: ALL SPORTS ARE STUPID. Think about it. You pay large sums of money to see outrageously well-paid athletes playing a GAME. It’s a GAME! They’re playing a GAME! Like Trivial Pursuit. YOU are not even playing. Someone else is.

So while the sportswriting PUNDITS plow on about why soccer will never catch on in the states, let’s see why US sports will never catch on in the world.

Football
Probably the greatest piece of marketing in the history of game was the decision of some mad crazy genius to count a goal as SIX POINTS. And then add an extra point, plus a couple of other ways to score if you don’t score the main goal. It’s brilliant because you THINK they’ve scored a lot. Last year, in the Super Bowl, Pittsburgh beat Seattle 3 to 1½, they just called it 21-10. Germany just beat Costa Rica 4-2 in the World Cup, but people still insist there’s more scoring in football. Since Americans are traditionally bad at math, we can’t figure this out. It’s not going to fly overseas.

The other piece of brilliance was to wrap up the players in bubbles and plastic and saranwrap. That way, they can run full speed at each other without mussing their hair. They don’t have injuries so much as malfunctions. Try watching rugby one late night on one of those cable channels you didn’t know you have. Those poor bastards only have their skulls to protect them from severe brain injury. And for most of them, it’s too late.

When people tell you football has a lot of action, try this one out. In the last Super Bowl, teams combined for a total of 133 plays. At an average of about 6 seconds a play, you wind up with a little under 13 ½ minutes of actual action. Or about $75 a minute for a scalped ticket. Or a ratio of about 1-8 game vs. commercials. The World Cup involves 64 games, each watched by roughly three-times the audience of the Super Bowl, and each runs 90 minutes with ONLY ONE BREAK. That’s 96 HOURS of actual playing gametime. With a ratio of about 5-1 game vs. commercials.

Baseball
At least they count their scores by one, but no one’s keeping track because we’re all asleep by the time someone scores. Baseball is the only sport where the action is about as boring as the in-action.

But it’s really the RULES that keep it from any real success overseas. I mean, you don’t watch cricket do you? Because those rules are STUPID. While baseball is merely STUPID. Think about it. Soccer = put ball in net, don’t use hands, don’t kill. Baseball = throw ball into a zone near a batter, batter hits ball or misses ball or doesn’t swing, and they count those up to an arbitrary number unless he hits the ball (in play) and then he runs to a safety zone if the ball touches the ground, but if it's caught first, he’s out, but if he doesn’t swing enough times and the ball isn’t in the zone, he gets to go to the safety zone anyway, unless he swings enough times and doesn’t hit the ball, then he’s still out, unless he swings and hits the ball but out of another zone, then he gets to keep swinging…

Damn, we haven’t even got a score yet.

It’s also the only sport where seriously out-of-shape athletes are allowed to play. The greatest of them all was named BABE (after the pig), and achieved his fabulous physique on hot dogs and beer. That’s why they HAD TO (secretly) legalize steroids and human growth hormone so that they would at least LOOK competitive. Tell me if you think 1990s star Cecil Fielder (picture below) could run for 90 minutes without depositing his lunch on the field. Hell, even Barry Bonds couldn’t do it.

















Basketball.
Score. Score. Score. Score. Score. Call me back in the fourth quarter so I can see who shot last and won.

Hockey.
It’s not on TV anymore, so I can’t write about it.

Golf.
Shhhh.

Bowling.
At least they let you drink beer while you play. But you still won’t watch it. And it’s a good thing because everyone looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy’s ugly cousin.

Yes, you can probably find one or two countries that might go nuts over these sports. You can always find somebody to like something. Japan likes karaoke. France likes Jerry Lewis. Brazil likes small-breasted women. But you won’t find a world to do it.

Well, the US lost 3-0 to the Czechs. I’m sorry. 21-0. Sounds like the 49ers were playing.