Talking Turkey
My grandmother was born in Mexico City and my father, her son, was born in Havana. The family moved to New Orleans in the 1930s. My grandmother's native tongue was Spanish. She spoke English with some difficulty, but well enough to get by. My father, despite having been born in another country, spoke English without a hint of an accent, be it Cuban, Southern, Cajun or any other. He is now a retired teacher in Florida.
When immigrants move to the United States, they learn English in one generation. Let me repeat that: When immigrants move to the United States, they learn English in ONE GENERATION. Your ancestors did, my ancestors did. Everybody's did. The first ones off the boat didn't arrive speaking English, but I guarantee you most tried and all wanted to. And I'm talking about you, buddy. When your great-great-grandfather first arrived from the old country (you know, that heritage that you're so proud of, the one that you insist on wearing the "Kiss Me, I'm [insert country of choice]ish" whenever that cultural holiday that allows drinking rolls around), that distant relative did NOT come equipped with the New American Heritage Dictionary.
So when Jaime, your gardener, or Mrs. Wen, your dry-cleaner, or Nicolas, your baker can't quite get the exact three words placed together for your benefit, don't act like it's the greatest affront to anyone's life since Jesus came back to find (gasp!) a BANKER setting up shop. And, by the way, I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't speak English either.
So when the public seem so rabid in the need for a NATIONAL LANGUAGE, I sort of wind up on the side of confused. Or maybe disgusted. It sounds like such an arrogant thing - an act of superiority bordering on Nietzcheism - Let's get rid of those brown people who don't speak like us. You worry it will be - Let's get rid of those homosexuals who don't have sex like us. Let's get rid of those religious people who don't worship like us. Let's get rid of those Jews.
Okay, so it won't go that far - probably. And some of you are saying that these immigrants SHOULD learn English. That it's good for them. That it's the smart thing to do. Well, there are many things that are good for us, smart for us. We should all lose weight - should we have a national weight limit? We should all save money - should we be forced to have national mandatory savings accounts? We should all be nice to one another - should we all have national politeness limits?
Yes, it is the smart thing, but aren't we, as PROUD AMERICANS, allowed the right to be dumb once in awhile? Especially after a couple of beers.
So now you say, It costs us money! We pay taxes signs in English AND in Spanish. It will BANKRUPT the country! Well, let me ask if the following scenario is better - Mrs. Moreno's son has just saved up enough money repairing mufflers for the last fifteen years to bring his mother here from Sumuther Country. After a couple of weeks, she is going to school afternoons to learn how to be an American accountant and working evenings in YOUR OFFICE BUILDING cleaning up all the coffee cups you leave on the counter below the sign that says "Please Clean Up After Yourself." One evening, you're working late (you are a dedicated employee, after all), when the fire alarm goes off. It's a malfunction, it always is, but you (being dedicated and having read all the fire drill material, and even having acted as floor warden a couple of times) head for the nearest exit and calmly descend the four floors to ground level. Unfortunately, Mrs. Moreno is not sure what to do. She's a bit frightened. She knows she should get out, but she also knows there are two exits, one for parking and one for the main entrance and she's on the parking level. There's a sign right there, telling her what to do. It used to be in English AND Spanish until, in all the wisdom of the US Senate, they took a circular saw to it and sliced off the offending portion. She becomes very frightened ("Who would cut off half a sign?") and starts to run UP the stairs, misses the exit and runs smack into your hip, whereupon you fall down the stairs and break your left ankle and chip a tooth. Being decent, you limp back up the stairs, calm Mrs. Moreno, and take her outside where there are NO emergency vehicles to help you out because this was, after all, a false alarm.
ALL BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT A SIGN WRITTEN IN ANY OTHER LANGUAGE BUT THE ONE YOU KNOW.
It's not for them -- It's for YOU! For YOUR safety. For YOUR benefit. It's the SMART thing. It's not just emergency signs, but safety signs, educational signs, informational signs. What, you want them VOTING for tax breaks for the rich?
In Quebec, they have a dual national language - English and French. What happens there is that everything signed must be in both languages. The result was that a shop-owner was CITED and FINED for having a post-it note on his fan saying not to turn it off in English only! (Watch 60 Minutes.) Do you really want the language police handing you a ticket because you wrote Tacos are Bueno! on your new fast food franchise. There would be no more Theatres, Boutiques, Trattorias. We would have to rename San Antonio (St Anthony), El Paso (The Pass), Virginia (The Virgin), Baton Rouge (Red Stick). Our tourist destinations would get makeovers - Presque Isle (Almost an Island), Grand Tetons (Big Boobs), The La Brea Tar Pits (The The Tar Tar Pits).
Of course, if we DID decide to make English the national language, we'd have to settle on which English. Southern? If we didn't, "Ain't" and Y'all" would be crimes. Bronx? "You'se" and "Terlets" are out. Maine? "Ayuh" and being silent would be illegal. We'd have to send sweeps of the grammar police through Alabama, Minnesota, and the Appalachians. Whoops! I forgot - Appalachia is where the ORIGINAL ENGLISH is STILL BEING SPOKEN. In the deepest, oldest parts of the mountains, they still speak English the way it was spoken when Shakespeare was still alive. So if anyone has a right to complain about language, maybe they do.
Language is communication, and sometimes that doesn't happen. Unfortunate, but we don't have to PASS LAWS to enforce it. That would be silly. And you want silly? Between the mayor of Los Angeles, the governor of California, and the President of the United States, who is the Latino and who speaks the best English. Turns out it's the same guy. Maybe WE ought to learn how to pronounce HIS name properly.
When immigrants move to the United States, they learn English in one generation. Let me repeat that: When immigrants move to the United States, they learn English in ONE GENERATION. Your ancestors did, my ancestors did. Everybody's did. The first ones off the boat didn't arrive speaking English, but I guarantee you most tried and all wanted to. And I'm talking about you, buddy. When your great-great-grandfather first arrived from the old country (you know, that heritage that you're so proud of, the one that you insist on wearing the "Kiss Me, I'm [insert country of choice]ish" whenever that cultural holiday that allows drinking rolls around), that distant relative did NOT come equipped with the New American Heritage Dictionary.
So when Jaime, your gardener, or Mrs. Wen, your dry-cleaner, or Nicolas, your baker can't quite get the exact three words placed together for your benefit, don't act like it's the greatest affront to anyone's life since Jesus came back to find (gasp!) a BANKER setting up shop. And, by the way, I'm pretty sure Jesus didn't speak English either.
So when the public seem so rabid in the need for a NATIONAL LANGUAGE, I sort of wind up on the side of confused. Or maybe disgusted. It sounds like such an arrogant thing - an act of superiority bordering on Nietzcheism - Let's get rid of those brown people who don't speak like us. You worry it will be - Let's get rid of those homosexuals who don't have sex like us. Let's get rid of those religious people who don't worship like us. Let's get rid of those Jews.
Okay, so it won't go that far - probably. And some of you are saying that these immigrants SHOULD learn English. That it's good for them. That it's the smart thing to do. Well, there are many things that are good for us, smart for us. We should all lose weight - should we have a national weight limit? We should all save money - should we be forced to have national mandatory savings accounts? We should all be nice to one another - should we all have national politeness limits?
Yes, it is the smart thing, but aren't we, as PROUD AMERICANS, allowed the right to be dumb once in awhile? Especially after a couple of beers.
So now you say, It costs us money! We pay taxes signs in English AND in Spanish. It will BANKRUPT the country! Well, let me ask if the following scenario is better - Mrs. Moreno's son has just saved up enough money repairing mufflers for the last fifteen years to bring his mother here from Sumuther Country. After a couple of weeks, she is going to school afternoons to learn how to be an American accountant and working evenings in YOUR OFFICE BUILDING cleaning up all the coffee cups you leave on the counter below the sign that says "Please Clean Up After Yourself." One evening, you're working late (you are a dedicated employee, after all), when the fire alarm goes off. It's a malfunction, it always is, but you (being dedicated and having read all the fire drill material, and even having acted as floor warden a couple of times) head for the nearest exit and calmly descend the four floors to ground level. Unfortunately, Mrs. Moreno is not sure what to do. She's a bit frightened. She knows she should get out, but she also knows there are two exits, one for parking and one for the main entrance and she's on the parking level. There's a sign right there, telling her what to do. It used to be in English AND Spanish until, in all the wisdom of the US Senate, they took a circular saw to it and sliced off the offending portion. She becomes very frightened ("Who would cut off half a sign?") and starts to run UP the stairs, misses the exit and runs smack into your hip, whereupon you fall down the stairs and break your left ankle and chip a tooth. Being decent, you limp back up the stairs, calm Mrs. Moreno, and take her outside where there are NO emergency vehicles to help you out because this was, after all, a false alarm.
ALL BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT A SIGN WRITTEN IN ANY OTHER LANGUAGE BUT THE ONE YOU KNOW.
It's not for them -- It's for YOU! For YOUR safety. For YOUR benefit. It's the SMART thing. It's not just emergency signs, but safety signs, educational signs, informational signs. What, you want them VOTING for tax breaks for the rich?
In Quebec, they have a dual national language - English and French. What happens there is that everything signed must be in both languages. The result was that a shop-owner was CITED and FINED for having a post-it note on his fan saying not to turn it off in English only! (Watch 60 Minutes.) Do you really want the language police handing you a ticket because you wrote Tacos are Bueno! on your new fast food franchise. There would be no more Theatres, Boutiques, Trattorias. We would have to rename San Antonio (St Anthony), El Paso (The Pass), Virginia (The Virgin), Baton Rouge (Red Stick). Our tourist destinations would get makeovers - Presque Isle (Almost an Island), Grand Tetons (Big Boobs), The La Brea Tar Pits (The The Tar Tar Pits).
Of course, if we DID decide to make English the national language, we'd have to settle on which English. Southern? If we didn't, "Ain't" and Y'all" would be crimes. Bronx? "You'se" and "Terlets" are out. Maine? "Ayuh" and being silent would be illegal. We'd have to send sweeps of the grammar police through Alabama, Minnesota, and the Appalachians. Whoops! I forgot - Appalachia is where the ORIGINAL ENGLISH is STILL BEING SPOKEN. In the deepest, oldest parts of the mountains, they still speak English the way it was spoken when Shakespeare was still alive. So if anyone has a right to complain about language, maybe they do.
Language is communication, and sometimes that doesn't happen. Unfortunate, but we don't have to PASS LAWS to enforce it. That would be silly. And you want silly? Between the mayor of Los Angeles, the governor of California, and the President of the United States, who is the Latino and who speaks the best English. Turns out it's the same guy. Maybe WE ought to learn how to pronounce HIS name properly.
posted by Mad Duck at 3:39 PM
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