Fried Turkey
Do you remember watching those old Sci-Fi films in which the earth was coming to an end -- either by comet, asteroid, fallout, or killer bees -- and the powers-that-be decide not to alert the public to avoid world-wide panic? It's even in the new ones. Some turkeyhead politician says, "You yell barracuda, everybody says, 'Huh? What?' You yell shark, we've got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July." And, of course, the panic happens anyway, or why did you pay your $8.50?
Well, it's happening right now. I don't know what it is. It could be anything. Global warming. Bird flu. Mad cow. Don't tell the public - they can't handle it. There would be rioting, looting. MAD CHAOS.
So they have a plan. I fully expect to be walking past the White House one day, and a large rocketship suddenly leaps out of the front lawn blasting for the sky, with Cheney, Rice, Rumsfeld (not Chertoff, screw him), the joint chiefs, a handful of Supreme Court, and Bush at the helm, tipping his big ten-gallon cowboy hat and shouting, "So long, suckers!"
And we'll all be staring up at them thinking, "Uh-oh."
Meanwhile, Al Gore has his little Prius-Brand Rocket Ship (tm) ready, but it won't go because he doesn't have enough Canola to put in the tank. Which is a shame, because he apparently knew before everybody that someone left the earth-oven on, and that makes him mad because he INVENTED ice.
Everyone on the left is up in arms because we're RUINING THE EARTH. Everyone on the right is up in arms because everyone on the left won't let them RUIN THE EARTH. Well, of course, we aren't ruining the earth. The earth is doing just fine. What's getting mucked up is an infinitessimal portion of it called the biosphere. And we're not even worried about the biosphere - just the portion of it known as the Charismatic Megafauna.
After Hurricane Katrina hit, volunteers put together serious rescue efforts to save the now homeless PETS. Mostly dogs, but I suspect there were a few cats, gerbils, and maybe a goldfish or two. We didn't see anyone rescuing beetles, snakes, toads, or for that matter, moss, lichen or ragweed.
No, when it comes to things like global warming, nuclear fallout, or world pestilence, we're just concerned with Charismatic Megafauna - whether it's us or Fido or Whiskers. And that's a very small portion of the earth.
We're even concerned with Charismatic Megaflora. In Chicago, they're trying to save the oak from the Asian Longhorned Beetle. We've picked one life form, an oak, and we kill millions of life forms, the beetles, to let it live. Kind of strange, numerically.
So here's a guess - the beetle can't wait for global warming. He wants all us meddling turkeyheads gone, and then he's going to chow down like there's no nuclear winter. And he's probably got some friends, a few arachnids, some penned up cows, the tuna, mosquitos, who CAN'T WAIT for man to get off their backs. Heck, maybe they started the whole thing. And when they finish, they'll probably put the air conditioning back on.
Well, it's happening right now. I don't know what it is. It could be anything. Global warming. Bird flu. Mad cow. Don't tell the public - they can't handle it. There would be rioting, looting. MAD CHAOS.
So they have a plan. I fully expect to be walking past the White House one day, and a large rocketship suddenly leaps out of the front lawn blasting for the sky, with Cheney, Rice, Rumsfeld (not Chertoff, screw him), the joint chiefs, a handful of Supreme Court, and Bush at the helm, tipping his big ten-gallon cowboy hat and shouting, "So long, suckers!"
And we'll all be staring up at them thinking, "Uh-oh."
Meanwhile, Al Gore has his little Prius-Brand Rocket Ship (tm) ready, but it won't go because he doesn't have enough Canola to put in the tank. Which is a shame, because he apparently knew before everybody that someone left the earth-oven on, and that makes him mad because he INVENTED ice.
Everyone on the left is up in arms because we're RUINING THE EARTH. Everyone on the right is up in arms because everyone on the left won't let them RUIN THE EARTH. Well, of course, we aren't ruining the earth. The earth is doing just fine. What's getting mucked up is an infinitessimal portion of it called the biosphere. And we're not even worried about the biosphere - just the portion of it known as the Charismatic Megafauna.
After Hurricane Katrina hit, volunteers put together serious rescue efforts to save the now homeless PETS. Mostly dogs, but I suspect there were a few cats, gerbils, and maybe a goldfish or two. We didn't see anyone rescuing beetles, snakes, toads, or for that matter, moss, lichen or ragweed.
No, when it comes to things like global warming, nuclear fallout, or world pestilence, we're just concerned with Charismatic Megafauna - whether it's us or Fido or Whiskers. And that's a very small portion of the earth.
We're even concerned with Charismatic Megaflora. In Chicago, they're trying to save the oak from the Asian Longhorned Beetle. We've picked one life form, an oak, and we kill millions of life forms, the beetles, to let it live. Kind of strange, numerically.
So here's a guess - the beetle can't wait for global warming. He wants all us meddling turkeyheads gone, and then he's going to chow down like there's no nuclear winter. And he's probably got some friends, a few arachnids, some penned up cows, the tuna, mosquitos, who CAN'T WAIT for man to get off their backs. Heck, maybe they started the whole thing. And when they finish, they'll probably put the air conditioning back on.
posted by Mad Duck at 11:54 AM
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